All my life I hear: “Aghhh, women. They are so complicated.” There were times when I actually shared the opinion. Women were fucking complicated, every time any of my girlfriends came to me with relationship problems and started telling me about her “ordeal”, with inevitable: “He’s an idiot right? Why did he do that?”, almost 98 percent out of times I would understand the guy, but never her. I was raised a tomboy, never really played with dolls, except devour couple just to see how’d that feel, since surely, being a woman myself, I will not have a chance to do so with real life dolls. I hang out with boys, I got in fights with boys, I played with boy toys, and I grew up being tight with boys.

For some reason, I could never really get women. There was just something about them that annoyed me from the early age, the intricacy of female mind, the need to travel in pack, analyze shit even when we figured out what the case was a week ago, the girly dresses that always wore….there was just

something so dependent about them. It just never sat with me. And the feeling was mutual. Women always hated my ease with men. Even when I was just physical with some, we stayed friends for many years to come. Girlfriends I knew that often didn’t get called back the next day after a spent night together, always hated me with passion. “What the fuck do you do when they always want to hang out with you” – is what I often heard. I could never explain it. It just like some people know how to cook, or sew, or cut hair…I know how to do boys.

Recently, I have to admit – men are gone insane.

For the past six months my female friends were on my case to write about men. Relationships between men and women. Some girls I never met email me constantly about the same subject and ask if I could write something about it. I never really got around to it; only thinking about relationships is making me sweat, let alone write about it and relive it while I do. But then it just became overwhelming. Every single day, all I hear is: “What the hell is wrong with this guy?! What the hell is wrong with that guy?!”. And this time around chicks actually made sense.

I came to the heartbreaking conclusion – men became women, and women became men. Tragic.

Men became such little bitches, it’ stopped being funny. They don’t have a clue what they want, they’re weak, insecure, unrealistic, childish and utterly clueless.

My friend Renata had an interesting theory about it. “Guys just seemed to handle all these transitions and recessions in the world really badly. Somehow, it looks like they’re just having trouble coping with it, and women seem to handle it much better.” There’s just a point in it. Men are becoming more and more insecure, nervous, aggressive, neurotic….while women rolled their sleeves and accepted all the hardness these new times are bringing upon us. Women are dealing with it, while men got completely lost. Is it because their provider self just couldn’t handle the toughness of being one at the moment?

All I see and hear recently is women all over the place, smart, capable, tough and successful, dealing with same shit; men that do not know what the fuck they want. Wasn’t that what’s been said for women from the beginnings of time? Women do not know what they want? Weren’t women always considered complicated, jealous, bitchy, insecure, crazy….?

Hm.

I warn you, all this stories are true. Doesn’t matter whose they are, they advocate many women & friends I listen to daily, so i will try to write it in first person.

This is how it goes.

LIQUOR STORE BLUES

Since when can women handle alcohol better than men?! 90 percent of men I know are completely idiotic and sloppy drunks. So unsexy. Barf. Can’t handle the reality, dude? Hey I get it, times are thought and I’m all for using the virtual crutches in the form of alcohol, drugs, pills, sedatives for those who need a little help getting by, but dude, reality is going to be waiting for you in the morning. It ain’t going nowhere. Little less crutches, little more dealing.

THE GAMES THAT PLAY US

I remember the times when I’d have amazing talks to my guy friends; meaningful, useful, full of ideas about life and what we can do to make it even better. And all my girl friends were always just yapping about boys. It always annoyed me terribly. Now? All my girlfriends are successful, capable, some make more money then most men, and men are fucking retarded. It’s like they’re brains are developing in opposite direction and they becoming boys instead of growing into men. They all play Angry Birds 24/7, when they’re not doing their friends’ faces in Fat Booth, or playing Texas Hold’em all freaking day long. Between that and getting slammed when they go out, they’re normal for like 45 minutes between the shover and the 4th drink, when it’s all downhill. Yeah, that’s what we all dreamt of when we were little, to carry our man home and dump him in bed. And pull out the vibrator.

TELL ME WHAT I WANT WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT

It’s interesting how guys think women do not know what they want. That’s what cracks me up every time. Hey, an optimist – we know exactly what we want, the first second we lay eyes on you. We know if we want to date you, or fuck you, or both, or nothing. Right that second. On the other hand, this is what guys do nowadays. They meet you and they hate when you’re all reserved and cold towards them in the beginning, while women just became smarter and cautious and they do not want to let themselves into something before they really know the bastard. Dude, what is your problem, exactly? She wants something casual. You want something casual. Lets do the casual until it becomes more. Or it doesn’t. Is that equation difficult to comprehend? But no, men fucking hate it when the woman is all casual: “How does that bitch dare to not want more from me?! What’s wrong with me?! Does that mean something is wrong with me?! Nothing can be wrong with me, master of the universe, I’ll show her”. And then he goes throwing big words just so he could get a satisfaction of seeing her getting sucked in more, and when she does – cold shower. Jesus. Can you be more of a woman about it?

IT’S ALL ABOUT SEX BABY

Sex is the funniest part of all. I love it when they think they have to throw big words to insure having sex. It makes me laugh. Dude, times are changed, she wants to have sex before you thought about having sex. No one is going to want more from you, that’s it. Thank you and goodnight. She want’s your dick, not walk in the park. Stop tripping. See, sexually men became the biggest bitches. There’s guys who fucking want you like maniacs, they can not wait to see you, touch you and so on, and they when you finally meet, they play all these little games with having sex, and not having it for no reason at all. If you knew how many of my girlfriends told me that story, you wouldn’t believe. Men withholding sex? Men withholding sex to get their way? When’d that happen? Since when guys even think that far as to figure out you can get things with sexual manipulation?! Dude, maybe you missed the memo, but chicks withhold sex to get things. Not you.

MY HEART WILL GO ON

I have girlfriends hooking up with guys that text them hearts and smileys, and when chicks didn’t respond to that, guys would get all pissed and texted them back - if I sent you a god damn virtual heart, how dare you not send me the heart back?! Yeah. Not lying. It’s like that. Dude, what does your bitchy, needy little heart need so much, and lacking so much that you need to see the virtual fucking heart sent back to you? Is that manly fucking behavior? Not even woman do that anymore. Get it together. Or go play Angry Birds.

TIE ME UP

Women usually always wanted to tie themselves to men. Some kind of leash, anything to ensure the connection to them. Nowadays, men fucking leash you up! Wtf? My beautiful friend had this boyfriend and they were actually really good together, before the idiot freaked about something he doesn’t even know what he freaked about. Ok, your decision dude. Stick with it. Don’t want to be together? Take a hike. But no. He called her constantly. I mean when they give you – lets be friends – and then call you fucking constantly……dude? Fucking decide. He called constantly, came to her house all the freaking time, fixed her shit, helped with this or that, put money on her account. Wtfffff? You’ll say, what a nice man now, right? Fuck that. It’s just a leash. It’s the way to ensure he has a way back if he wants to. Why fuck with someone like that? There’s a way in life to get what we want without having to hurt people around us. It just takes a little extra planning. And half a brain.

I’M JUST A JEALOUS GUY

And that’s the big one. Who said that thing about women being insecure, again? About how women go berserk when another pretty woman enters the room? Actually, don’t remember the last time I saw any of my girlfriends tripping about any other girls. Guys on the other hand……anyone that has more muscles, or more money, or more inches (no, not those, you perverts) that enters the room, and boom! – they go nuts. Actually they don’t go nuts like screaming pushing and shoving. They do it like this – their body and their faces start to twist like they’re becoming god damn vampires. That’s the faze one. Faze two is the controlling part. What?! Asshole, try to be the best you can be, and that will make you attractive and not want your chick to look at anyone else. You think you can be an aggressive asshole, drink your brain out every time you step out the house, but i should not turn my head toward that six-pack that just entered the room? Aha, ok.

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE

There was this guy that I know since I’m like 15 years old and he always wanted to be with me, always asked about me, for like freaking decade. Always sent me messages trough people, throughout the years. When I moved to US, he kept going, and kept going. Still. Then he gets married. Still asks about me. Then he moves to US, still asks about me. Married. Then he gets divorced. Again asks about me. Then finally, I agree to meet him. I think it was a slow month. Every time we would be together he would mention women. This one, that one, that one, this one. Dude, you want to be with me for more that a decade, it means a lot to you, I get it. Mentioning chicks left and right are not going to blow the steam off it. Fucking own it.

LOTTA NERVE

The nerve guys have. My fav. I love it when you’re in a relationship and, naturally, there are some annoying things that both sides, man and women do, so you talk about it. Woman I know usually change their part of the deal pretty quickly if they really want to be with the guy, but men? Noooo way, they will try to stretch it to the heavens and back, even thought you tell them you will surely leave if they keep it up. Still nothing, until the day you pack your shit. And then, boom! They so easily change their annoying habit. It’s when they know its done, then they do it. Dude, your change is sooo 2000 and late, who gives a fuck right-about-now? The nerve of thinking we as women are so subordinate that we would take such crap? The nerve of thinking they are the second coming of God and that we should take that crap? And finally, the nerve of thinking they are so special that we need to take that crap! Dude, there are so many around, we do not need your crap. Next!

MISTAKE

See this is what women do wrong. If there’s one thing I mind or resent women is the fact they always take shit or settle because they think they will not find someone else. And that is the biggest fucking mistake ever. Do you know everyone on the planet? How would you know if there is or there isn’t someone? There are 6.92 billion people on the planet at this moment. You don’t think there’s one that could be right for you? Or at least an inch better than the last idiot that annoys you constantly? At least some other would annoy you differently, even that sounds better for the moment. If I leave that one, maybe I stay alone? I cringe when I hear that. You’re wrong. Remember that first boyfriend you had and you were madly in love and then you broke up? Remember how you stayed in your room for days on end, thinking there’s never going to anyone like that and you will just die? And then couple of months or years later even better one came along where you thought – o my gooood how stupid I was, what was I thinking?! This one is so much better, that first one is nothing! And then it didn’t work with that one, but someone even better came along? Just remember that.

A MOMENT

We always think that the one we’re dealing with is the best thing since sliced bread. But it’s like that at that moment. Moments change, people change. You can not know in that moment what lies ahead, you have to keep going, you have to live your life. And then moment changes, you change, and then it just comes. You can’t take that chance, ha? Well you have to if you want to have a good life. No one wins big if they don’t risk big. Life is not a stock market where you have to predict what it’ll happened. Life and love is diving into unknown. Someone told me once – “It’s when we let fear cloud our judgement that the flame of possibility begins to dim and eventually diminish”. Don’t let fear kill all the possibilities you might have in life. They will arise, only if you let them.

I repeat, you can not know at this moment what can happen. Or who exists in this world. We didn’t dig into this subject to make you more depressed about guys. Its to show you how most of them are ridiculous nowadays, but all those ridiculous make those who’re not even more precious. Just open your eyes, and listen to this last story.

God damit, why don’t I make a book out of this?!

Anywho. Listen. And then we’re done.

LUCY IN THE SKY

I once knew a girl in New York that I worked with. Lucy. She was not amazingly pretty, but had a good body, and there was just something about her. Can’t pin it down, but she just oozed coolness. She always traveled in pack with her best friend Nancy, one of the prettiest girls I saw in my life. Nancy had that 4 big things that seal the deal – big hair, big boobs, big lips and big ass. Guys were nuts about her. Not easy to constantly stand next to someone like that. And they worked together, in the bar, next to each other, that was their thing. Always together. Lucy had a daughter from previous relationship, and a bit of a hard life, she studied and worked really hard to provide for her daughter and herself, you could tell she’s not having it breezy. We didn’t talk much, but from what we did, you could tell she’s a fighter, and most importantly – she never ever complained about anything.

She sometimes talked about guys and how assholish they are when they find out she has a daughter. She could never really connect to any. After couple of months she moved to Miami. Never saw her again. This is how the story develops. Lucy and Nancy worked in this bar in Miami, side by side, like always. One day, a guy comes in, sits on their bar. Takes an interest in Lucy, not Nancy. Let me tell you, not many guys would do that. Starts talking to her. Has glass of wine at the bar. They had a really good talk. He comes again tomorrow. They talk again, glass of wine again. They hit it off. He starts coming a lot for the couple of days he was in town for. He leaves town. She thinks she’ll surely not see him again. He comes back after a while. Comes at her bar again. They talk again. Have a glass of wine again. They start talking outside of the bar. They start seeing each other outside of the bar. They start dating. They got engaged, they got married. He takes in her daughter. They had 2 more.

The punchline – the guy that met Lucy in the bar and later married her, was – Matt Damon. Yes. Matt Damon went into this bar in Miami, saw her standing next to an amazing looking chick, but decided to talk to Lucy, liked her, wanted her. And what I read in her interview about it couple of months later was what I always think about when in doubt about guys – “He was the only guy on the planet that I met that didn’t run away the second I told him I have a daughter from previous marriage.

Still don’t see the moral of the story? You can not know what’s out there, you can not predict how someone is, or will behave. This is Matt Damon, the guy who didn’t even tell Minnie Driver he’s leaving her, instead she read in the papers he’s with Winona Ryder now. Knowing that, you’d never say he’s the one that would end up being so decent, but he was. You can not know. Most men are little bitches, but sometimes they are just decent.

What should you do? I’m the last one to give you advice, and even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t dare tell someone what to do. We’re all different, but what I know for a fact – men do not deserve as much time and energy we spend on them. The only thing I can tell you for sure – they will not spent as same time or energy on you. What ever they do is – them first, you second. I’m not telling you to swear off men or be nasty to some that don’t deserve, because some that do pissed you off. You first. Them second. All I’m saying.

That’s what you do. You first. Them second.

After all there’s so much more important things in life we should bang out heads about. For example; why the fuck’s Nathan not returning on Misfits and when’ll Eric finally bang Sookie.

That”s what you do.