Hello, friends and lovers! Hopefully you’re not both to me. These days, I’m way overbooked to have you be both, and ambivalence is way outdated these pass few weeks. You. Can. Not. Have. Both.

You need to decide.

Rambling? You know I always have a point.

I had a point. I still do, but I need to skip that article for now, and give you that one next. I felt this one had the honors to squeeze ahead of the line. Rude, pushy, entitled, this one. It had to happen next.

How I came to this point, you’ll read in the next article, but for now, all you need to know I had a bit of a friends/lovers/friend/lov …… combo happening last few somethings. I usually have my shit together, but this was a special kind of poopage (is that a word? Can we please use it?), poisoning my brain. I was not getting it together.

Yes, me that always gives everyone advices, here on my blog, in real life, in virtual life, in almost every form of live and pretend life. But this time, I couldn’t figure it out by myself. I needed to talk to people. I needed to figure out why and how and why and how.

And nothing was working. People tried to assist, hep me understand, but it just wasn’t happening. It’s not that the advices weren’t good, its just it wasn’t resonating with me. Was it my state, that made anything and everything not resonating? Uhm, not really. I can listen pretty well. And I like people giving me perspective. I actually crave it!

I’m sorry about being vague, but this story, even tho it originated from a lover, it’s not about the #loverboyblues, but actually about a friend. A lover who riled me up, so that I could find my way back to a friend.

Don’t you think it’s scary, to think about how many things we miss in life, how many people we miss, but thinking we know everything, we know everyone, we know what to expect from people, we label them and put them in folders of specific use, and we pull them out of the folder accordingly? God, we miss out on shitload of things.

The lover was unexpected. I sat with him the first few times and I found thousands of things I need to learn to accept, only to wake up a tiny bit later, needing it more than air. What about those things I was forcing myself to accept? What kind of magic trick was this, and why couldn’t it skip me?

I was going through people, trying to make them make me understand how the fuck I can fail so hard and how I can need something I never wanted, and the concept was too much for most.

Then I started to talk to a specific friend. Out of all the ones in my life, she would probably be labeled as all over the place; with life, with her own relationships, lifestyle, and over all just about the last person I could think of that could understand me at this point. Yet this person comes out with such sense, it was like taking a pill for headache and walking over to the other side completely intact with an an ambivalence of a lover convincing me of my own ambivalence. It was miraculous. Every sentence she said made such sense, every point had a meaning on top of the meaning, and it shook me to the core.

Over the years, you lose yourself with people. You move on, you live life, life takes you, sometimes idiots take you from people, but once in a blue moon some bring you back to the people, when you need to re-discover them.

Aside that, another confirmation, that the messiest of us, maybe hold all the solutions. The fact the vulnerability is EXACTLY the thing that make us the strongest.

Suddenly I felt almost sad. How did this person became so emotionally intelligent & together?! What happened to her that made her that way? And why wasn’t I there, and where was I when she might needed assistance? Or just me, standing there, being there. Or did she needed to walk that path alone, only to be this today? For me and for herself?

Its funny how life goes, and how we grow, and the circle we complete, or never climb off of, and how time is the most scary and beautiful and scary fucking thing and, when you think about it, the only thing that can actually diminish us. Nothing else. But time.

Never ever ever underestimate anyone, and just try. Always try everything. You never know where your biggest ally might sleep, waiting for you to wake them up.

Wake them up so they can tell you –

“Miranda you wrote 100,000 words on relationships, get it fucking together!”

And the lover, the friend, the lover and friend that is a lover but friend and ended up being nothing while he just might be everything; the equation that he non-verbally asked me to solve, I did. I removed a friend from lover, but friend being not you, but someone else who you gave to me.

Look around you people. Look around you, and pay attention to people. Your biggest ally might be hidden in the most secluded, messy, beautiful hurricane of a place; and you might never even see.

SEE IT. Pay attention. While some people need to stay lost from your lives, some you need to find, reanimate, and gloriously bring back to life.