I wrote my last post in June. It was called – Social Media Fatigue & How to Cure it. And the way to cure it was, that. This. Taking the time. Now, this isn’t social media, sort to speak, but I need to turn on a power button and and share something. And in order to share properly, share in the right sense of vulnerability, and not in a sense to showcase the life I want to present to the public, I needed to step away.

In this vortex of constantly having to produce the content of our lives for spectators to see, we miss out on living it, and I promised myself a while ago, and to you – I will never be anything less than my authentic self, with my writing. I don’t want to force myself when I’m not feeling the subject, I don’t want to take away from my happiness and take the time to compose something under duress, when I’d rather be experiencing things or people. Some of my friends often tell me – “you get us used to something, then you turn off and on and off” – and I’m sorry, but – even though it feels like that most of the time, this is not a performance.

I let you come into my life, I show you my vulnerability, the most magical thing on this planet, and the only thing that truly connects us all. The kindest I can be to all of you that love my writing is give you real, authentic stuff, and not forced material.

The fact this is my modus operandi is the sole reason you do like it. In order for me to be able to do this, I need to close off from time to time, to be able to share. This brain comes with lots of good stuff, but it also comes with lots of maintenance. And it needs to be moved, in order to produce, either with something great, or something frustrating.

Boom, Boom, Ciao.

This is what I heard yesterday and no other subjects I prepped for the new season of Why Female qualified for the opener. This was just too brilliant; a concept, a theory and the utter shivers I felt, thinking; my god, this fears me and, in the same time, gives me the pleasure of putting the name to the realization that will be the end of us all.

Don’t worry. This is a love story.

Boom, Boom, Ciao – is the episode name of the – I can not believe someone make this and wrote this and this gives me the same orgasms Breaking Bad did – series – “La Casa De Papel”, or as translated on Netflix as – “Money Heist”. If you still didn’t watch it, just know, its better then most of your boyfriends.

Boom, Boom, Ciao – is the concept, explained by one of the gay characters in the show, as the dynamic in the relationship between two men that is much simpler, less stressful than the dynamic between man and the woman. Two men meet and they relieve each other. Women, ultimately are looking for a man to exchange genes with. To form a family. Women have too many things in their head. Men, or rather two men, only have one – ejaculation. Boom, Boom, Ciao.

The speech he gave further in the episode, froze me –

“In the matters of the heart, there is the lover and the beloved. The lover lives with passion, full commitment and romanticism. The beloved, is limited to being idolized. I’m not saying that being a lover is bad, don’t get me wrong, but you have to know what happens. You suffer. A lot. Beloved is having the better time. Its the law of love, I’m sorry. That’s the way it is. The only truth is what is real.”

Lover. And the beloved.

THE BELOVED IS LIMITED TO BEING IDOLIZED.

Isn’t this the scariest fucking thought? Think about your life. You’ve either been the lover of the beloved. It absolutely never matched. Either you loved someone with more intensity, passion and commitment, or someone loved you that way, where you just received it, but never fully felt it quite the same way.

I can not believe I have never though about this concept.

But I felt it. I lived it. Almost every time. One was the lover and one was the beloved. I was either, or. But never equally the same.

The concept I do think about often is the Chuck Palahniuk mantra – “The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.” And what I experienced in the last few weeks is full on scientifically scary. Whatever you pursue can not be caught. When you stop pursuing it, it wants to be caught. What exactly is wrong with us all? Is someone, up there, pulling our strings? Do we have a consciousness about this?

Story one. I have been casually seeing someone for almost 3 years now, but casual can not even begin to describe this concept. Like the word casual is too formal for this type of casual. But we’re great friends too. We’d see each other only few times a year. We recently took a trip together. There was something about that trip. By the end of it I started to think, maybe I want something more. I tried to start a conversation about it, he wouldn’t pick up on it, or jump on it. After we separated, each on its own coast, I tried to text a bit. Formal responses. ok. Got it. Understood.

Story two. Last year I started to hang out with the group of people whose energy exactly matched mine, and they liked to socially do exactly what I liked to do. I liked them all as people, but I might liked one of them a tad bit more. I never tried anything, because I never really spent much time alone with him, but what I did notice he would leave in the middle of the night when we’d start talking more heatedly. He did that so many times I lost count, I started to get it personally at some point. I texted him few times, tried to hint I’m getting it personally, but to no avail. He just wouldn’t pick up on it. He was very messy, in communication with me, and often messy with his movements around me. I left it at that.

Story three. Like these things happen, and you are not even aware of it, you go by your business and you not even sure if you want to go out and come to that thing everyone is asking you to come, and then just like that someone walks in, walks up to you, and just shakes your core; you don’t really understand what’s happening, you try to ignore him most of the night but something keeps shifting your core every time he walks by, and he touches you once to stop you from going left and in that moment you just know this will be one of those things that will maul you, indefinitely. You know this thing is different than the others, and you realize if you ever had an image of what that one person that would make you not want to touch anyone else until you die would be, it would be that person. I spent next two weeks with him, trying to find some flaws, problems, issues so that I can survive this thing somehow, but I guess, this is just it, my time for slaughter.

Can’t really dwell more on Story three, because I have yet to understand this feeling of pleasure, fear, panic, all taking turns at me; but what happened next is absolutely mindblowing to me.

As this was happening, week 2 of I have never seen the sight of something that’s perfect to me and he already picked up on my panic, the Story one flies into town, all amazing, great, receptive, wants to see me, wants to travel, never better, never chiller, simple to talk to, as oppose to when I was trying to start something, but now he’s willing. Right now at this exact weekend when I’m trying to not get massacred, now he’s ready, now he hears me. Now he wants to try.

Same exact week Story 2 is all of a sudden receptive too, answers the message, doesn’t leave in the middle of the night, doesn’t run away from me, texts me all the time, on time, makes plans, talks to me all night, excuse me, who are you? Have we meet?

The people you spent years dancing with, in this chess game of pursuer and pursued, literally decided to seek me when I was no longer interested and when I met someone that shook my complete balance.

And the one that shook my balance pulled out his chess board, before I finished breakfast.

Lover and beloved?

Pursuer and pursued?

Is the world designed to really give us something when we don’t want it anymore? Can we ever have something, someone we want, at the moment we want it?

It blows my mind that, on whatever side of evolution you are, God or Big Bang, whoever you think its responsible for creating mankind and womankind, the fact there is the penis shaped exactly the go into a vagina, think about that for a second, that was created, a perfect puzzle, a Tetris – physically. But mentally? Who created us like this, lover and beloved, pursuer and pursued, not fitting, one that suffers and other one to enjoy, unaware, limited to just being idolized?

I had a craving for the Big Mac the other day, and I happened to be on Times Square with my friend B, so we (I) decided to come in. If you never had McDonalds on Times Square at midnight, with the lights out like its the daylight, all the people, I can not translate to you what kind of assault on every fiber of your being that is. I was waiting for my Mac and I told him the story about Story one, two and three. I said, why can’t I have things that I want when I want them, B, why? And he said, woman, look around you, no one can. No one has. Everywhere.

No one can. This is what we’re in for?

We can only get things when we stop wanting them?

Was the guy from the show right then? Boob, Boom, Ciao, vs. the suffering? Or are we participating in the Boom, Boom, Ciao hoping that just once, we might get aligned with want and being wanted?

Welcome to the abyss.


Miranda Vidak
Miranda Vidak

Founder & Designer of Moodytwin. Disrupting a conversation about identity, career, culture, relationships and self-care.

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