Everyone always tells me how they’re amazed with me not being addictive to absolutely anything. I never understood addiction. When you are so weak you just can not stop or control something. I can do everything if I want to, and I don’t need to do anything, if I don’t. It was always just that easy for me.

Almost everyone around me has something “they just can’t”. Stop drinking so much. I want to but “I just can’t”. Stop doing so much drugs, it makes you an idiot. I wish, but “I just can’t”. You lost so much money on poker, can just quit that shit? I’m trying, but “I just can’t”. Stop smoking. “I’m trying, but i just can’t”!

Stop playing video games all day, put you fucking socks away, are you fucking listening? Stop smoking (apparently that’s my main mantra) – that was the base of every day convo with my ex. How ever many times you fucking repeat, it was always the same. He just can’t.

Then I realized, we all have our “I just can’t”. It might not be the obvious one most of the planet struggles with, but we all have something. We all have something we can not change however hard we try.

My life was a roller coaster the last decade. I was trying to do too much, travel too much, I created my home in 3 cities, tried to be a good girlfriend, daughter, aunt, businesswoman, I tried to be everywhere for everyone, and my life suffered the most. Most nights I slept 4-5 hours, I was always running everywhere and most of the time barely making it anywhere.

When I moved back to Los Angeles alone almost 2 years ago, I was determined to sort my habits. Time and sleep. My achilles heel. I was determined to go to sleep early, wake up early, try to work, design, write super early in the day when everyone’s still sleeping, instead of late at night when everyone is sleeping. And I was determined to make everywhere on time, not on time but before time; I didn’t have to take care of anyone but me this time, so surely – I can do it easily!

Turns out, sleep and time are my addictions. My “ I just can’t”.

However hard I try and manage to get few days in a row, hell, even a week to go to sleep at 11 and wake up at 6, something happens one day, I get excited about something, an article, fabric I found that day, I person I get taken with, and I think about something all night or I just feel anxious and I have my eyes open until 7 in the morning, unable to shut them, and just like that, I ruin the pattern, back to the usual. Sleep 4-5 hours, up all night, dizzy all day.

I just can’t.

Time? However hard I try there’s always hectic in my life, there’s always too much I want to do I end up running everywhere, people wait for me while I try to be everywhere and nowhere, all up in the same time.

I’m really trying hard. But sometimes I realize, like everyone else with their “ I just cant’s”, that obviously, I JUST CAN’T. It’s a struggle I will probably have to the rest of my life.

What is your addiction? What is your “I just can’t?

Leave it in the comments!

Miranda Vidak
Miranda Vidak

Founder & Designer of Moodytwin Inc. Disrupting the conversation about culture, identity, relationships & social issues.

All author posts

Privacy Preference Center