The After Break Up Rules. Finally here. This has been the topic of constant conversation I’ve had with, literally 13-14 women over the past few weeks. I don’t even know how we got to the point, I guess it was initiated with their recent break-ups, me joking with them about it, them freaking out how I guessed so many details about their break-ups, and one collective loud: Dude! You need to write this! 

Do you ever reminisce how cocky we were as teenagers, when elders were telling us stuff about life, while we constantly dismissed them with: “Yeah, right, what do you know? I know better! I’ll do better!”. And then you grow up and realize, you won’t do better. Life is eerily similar. Experiences are almost the same. All those songs you listen, the quotes you keep in your phone, the movies; all those things that hit you in the heart, someone experienced that before you. Someone wrote it. And it came to you, to comfort you. Or to destroy you.

The only thing that makes us feel better while struggling emotionally is, and always will be – relating to others. Knowing it’s not just you. It’s everyone. One of my favorite things in life is relating to other people’s experiences. I quiz people all the time about life. Younger than me, older than me, everyone. I learn from them all. I like to collect experiences. It’s what makes me wealthy.

The After Break Up Rules. This is not something I invented, it’s what I heard, saw, felt, and collected in a solid theory. It’s what you experienced. It’s what you’ll experience. The point is not to prevent yourself from going through it; rather, it’s recognizing the pattern and traps, avoiding them, and taking care of yourself.

Let’s go.

If you broke up with someone, or he broke up with you; its completely the same. If you decided you don’t want to be in that relationship, you surely have a legit reason. If he left you, go through the initial pain/shit/heartbreak, and get out of it. You’re not meant to be with anyone that doesn’t want you. You can’t love someone that doesn’t love you, as simple as that. Let this sentence really marinate hard, come back to it.

However strange this might sound to you, trust me, I quiz people, it seems like women have more troubles when they leave someone than the other way around. Believe it or not, it’s normal. When someone leaves you, there’s nothing you can do. You have your pain period, you sail through it, you come on the other side, done. But when you leave someone, it’s your choice. And choices make us wonder. Being sure of your choice can be a pretty disturbing event. “Did I make a mistake?”. “Was I right. to do this?”. “What if I don’t find anyone better?”.

Being sure of your choice is the single most rewarding feeling on the planet.

What are the After Break-up Rules?

Rule # 1. Please don’t be unsure in your choice to leave someone. I heard a line somewhere – “no one ever left something that was good for them”. And I add – if your body gave you a signal once that you want to leave someone, there’s a reason to it. You might not have an explanation at that moment, but the signal your body is giving you is the right one. You’ll find out the why’s later on. Be comfortable to be in the unknown, confused state for the moment. It’s ok. You don’t have to have all the answers yet.

Rule # 2. When you arrive at the stage of wanting to leave the person you were with, you will meet so many other guys that you like. There will be so many options, people hitting on you, calling/texting you left and right. You will barely contain yourself waiting to get out of the relationship you didn’t want, so you can explore all those men around you that might fit you better. Right? But something happens when you officially get out of the relationship you didn’t want: all of a sudden, there is no one in sight! All those men around while you struggled to break up are now nowhere in sight.

Don’t sweat this phase. This is normal. It’s how the process goes. And don’t be angry at those men, they did not leave. It’s you who created a fantasy of “someone better”. They were just bodies around hosting your projection. It was a fantasy your brain created to “help” you leave an unwanted relationship. That fantasy, I will meet someone to take me from someone DOES NOT EXIST. You need to take YOURSELF away from someone not right for you. Universe will not give you crutches in a form of a guy, right now.

Rule # 3. After some time passes, you will start meeting people again. Many many guys. BUT they will all be wrong. They will be so wrong, a new word for wrong needs to be invented. Don’t stress this period. Again, the fantasy of leaving someone you’re not in love anymore to meet someone great right away does not really happen. At this moment, you are desperate to have your decision validated. My ex was wrong for me. Now I should meet someone who has all the qualities that my ex didn’t and life is great, right?

Wrong.

At this phase of your After Break Up, you need the universe to show you your decision of leaving the ex is right by sending you someone great? Nope. At this phase, the universe will not send you the confirmation. It won’t nudge you. It will actually show you the complete opposite. It will “send” such idiots your way, you’ll start regretting your break up. You’ll start thinking: “Jesus, he is so wrong, I mean my ex was not that bad, at least he loved me, or at least…” (insert anything that will seem not so terrible about your ex at this point).

This is a test. Many girls surrender at this phase and go back to the ex. DO NOT DO IT. Endure it. Your decision was right. Your body gave you the instinct to leave. You need to internally fight to show yourself you were right.

Rule # 4. After you handled the toughest phase up there, incoming another blast. Your ex will find someone new in this phase. Super quick. Not a hook-up. An actual girlfriend. And you’ll be: “Wtf, I left you, how the hell are you having someone before ME?”. Because that’s guys. Because it’s what they do. Because he never actually wanted you to leave, he wanted the comfort of the relationship. You left. But he still wants that comfort. And at this stage, it’s easier for him than you. As they get older, guys are looking for less. As they get older, women are looking for more.

They will do this at any age, 30, 50, 70. I have an example of it, right in my house. Don’t fret this phase. Remember, your body gave you a signal to leave. Your own body can not be wrong. And your ex deserves to be loved by someone else, if you don’t love them anymore. It’s only fair. You do your thing. Stay on your track.

Rule # 5. You’ll have loads of sex in this phase. You finally realized your long-awaited freedom is actually here, you are cool, unburdened, you need to explore. Now it’s the – realizing what I want – phase. The beginnings of it. Then you’ll get tired of the sex phase. Then you’ll start dating phase. Then you’ll get so tired of everything connected to a male human being around you, and THIS IS THE BEST PHASE OF ALL.

Rule # 6. Welcome to the best period of your After Break Up, and quite frankly, life in general. Being alone. That space before something. Being fed up with the old guy, new guys, wrong guys at the right time, right guys at the wrong time, you will be SUPREMELY fed up with EVERYONE. This is the phase where you actually learn about what you really want.

Now it’s the time to be alone, on purpose, refuse anyone coming your way, even if they seem cool, because you still don’t know what you really want. You chose your ex thinking he’s for you. He wasn’t. You didn’t know yourself enough. In this period, you’ll spend time with yourself and learn who YOU are; when you figure out who you are, you can choose what’s right for you.

Rule # 7. Do not compete or compare. That’s the biggest trap of all. Don’t compare the current state of your life to your ex’, don’t compare to what your girlfriends are doing; nothing, no one. You are competing with no one, but yourself. While everything will be “against you”, making you confused, detouring you to all different and “wrong” directions possible, giving you all the hurt, annoyance, irritation, wrongness you can possibly imagine; it’s just a test. You need to stick to your guns, persevere, swim out on the other side; knowing who you are. And all of a sudden things will start to make sense again.

People will make sense.

And one of them will be yours.