Long time no hear people! Well, not that long, given I’m known to disappear from these pages due to this thing, sometimes called – life; 3 months to be exact. I feel, though, a lifetime happened since then. I don’t know where to begin, to be honest. I know where to end, but getting there, there aren’t many words that can fully color what I’ve been through this past few months.

It was the hardest, most beautiful, heavy, amazing, emotional, uncertain, mindblowing times I have ever subjected myself to. And I did it on purpose. Because comfort is a killer. Killer of everything. Progress, productivity, growth. And if you’re dealing with a certain – Should I Stay or Should I Go – scenario in your head and in your life right now, maybe my experience can help you tilt your glass, either way.

As you know, I’ve been on a road for almost 3 months now. A road to my road wasn’t easy. I was stay put for 5 years, without leaving States. I was stuck; life, jobs, lack off, timings, all bunch of things that cement you. And for the most part, I wanted to be cemented. I wanted to give my all and some more to a certain space, not leave, not be distracted, try to do what I came to do, and what other people in certain times of my life prevented me from doing.

If you read this blog long enough, you know my relationship with Los Angeles is a rocky one, at best. I spent most of my life in New York and felt maybe I need a change. The pop-culture that shapes our childhood, what we suck in as children, like a sponge, the feeling it gives us, warmth of heart, it stays with us for a long long time. All those movies, series I watched, I wanted it. New York was the best thing that ever happened to me, but it was also intense. I was intense. An intense person in an intense place. I felt I could be chiller in Los Angeles, I felt I could be more creative in Los Angeles. On that path, I met someone who dreamt Los Angeles too.

Los Angeles and me, its a marriage of paradox. I shot some of my best modeling work on the Los Angeles’ beaches. When I hear the word – Malibu – it always reminds me of my best work. There was some real, palpable magic in my face, on those photos. I felt its the right thing to do, and right place to be. And I tried, I tried really really really hard. First in pair. Somehow, I managed to do so much more for his career than mine. Maybe that was my purpose in that town? No one knows, watching him now, what it took to get him there. LA was taking him. More than me.

People often said to me, you’re too New York. You formed yourself there, you will never truly be LA, you can’t. You’re like an Upper East Side neurotic Jew in a body of a pretty (does anyone ever say this word about themselves and not barf a little?) woman. But I wanted to try again. This time, by myself. Laser focus, not building anyone, but myself. Don’t get me wrong, I have a successful brand. All built on my own, no help from outside, completely ran by a one woman show. From paper to what you see on your little phones, all me. And it takes shit loads of cash bags to get it to your phones. That part, also all me. So yes, I did good. But that town never really took me. Or I didn’t take IT?

And I listened and listened to everyone and their mother, brother, parrot – maybe its you, you’re not trying, change your friends, get new circles, try this try that. But it just did not work.

People annoyed me. Privately and in business. I had to struggle out of my mind to get my product done the right way, god forbid you want something you’re creating to be perfect or near perfect. You are too much! Too rude! You have an attitude! Too aggressive! I have never ever been in a place that gets annoyed with professionalism, quality, promptness, effectiveness, like Los Angeles. It’s like they trace you by smell and want to cast you out; quality is aggressive and annoying, mediocrity is cool and chill.

LA is a subject of its own that I will deconstruct in more elaborate detail in the next few posts, since that’s the most requested blog subject I get from people. For now, LA matters as the driving force of my phantom exit. A road to my road. Getting my shit in one and half suitcase, and hopping on my Restoration Tour.

It’s easy for you, you might think. You live in States, you have money. Wrong. that’s why this story is worth telling. I didn’t. Another key thing about LA is that it’s designed to keep your head just above the water. You can live, but never too much, too wide, you can not truly make loads of cash, and everything I made was put back into my clothing brand. I didn’t have lots of runway. And you absolutely never have fuck you money in LA.

I decided I need to leave. I need to hop on my Restoration Tour, retrace back. Remember when you lose something and you go back to retrace your steps to find it? Like that, I lost myself along the way. I needed to sit on the plane, retrace my steps and find me again. Only problem is I couldn’t.

I have never been one of those people that are liked by regular masses. I always seem to offend people without offending people, as if my pure existence is somehow insulting. I was trying to figure out the origins of it for the longest time, because truth be told, it makes your life a dash bit complicated. But then I attended this dinner party where this famous actress told me (did she smell the wonder on me?): “Miranda, people are never going to be jealous at your beauty, youth or money as they will be jealous at your drive” …..  I didn’t get it at the moment and to be honest I though she might of had a tad much to drink, but as I went on and it stayed with me. She could not be more right.

I deconstructed it too. If you’re pretty, people want to be around you, you are a asset. Even nasty bitches would want to around, because they can take some leftovers from wolf-packs cruising around you. If you’re young, you can be dumb as fuck, hell you can even be not so pretty but young, everyone wants to be around young. If you’re rich, no one will dare. But drive? Having drive to get up, push through, persevere, fail, get up and repeat, people will most definitely resent you. Because they can’t. They don’t have it in them. And my drive is pretty fucking epic, at best!

All my life I have been around obstructionists. People that pretended to be around for some other cause than to interfere with my shit. All those friends that die a little on the inside when you achieve some success (or boy), and scream with joy a little when you fail in something. Even when I say I’m not doing well or ask for assistance, help – they smirk at me – “but Miranda, your instagram looks like you’re having so much fun, what problems do YOU have?” Bitch, its my job. That’s what I do. Presenting lifestyle through content, digital experiences – its what I do for a living! I can make anything look like you want to be there.

People. Ughh, PEOPLE.

Rarely people will truly be happy for you and have your best interests at heart. But this is how you can locate them. Do not look at the things they tell you or what they do, that can all be faked. Look at their lives. Are they happy, content, successful (individual to each what success means), how are their sex lives (trust me, I learned 80 % precent of people’s frustration comes from lack of sex or non-quality sex they are having or not having). If people are happy with themselves, those will get you.

And in the midst of obstructionists that circle me all my adult life (probably even as a kid, some toy interfering happened, I feel it), I somehow ran into some people that truly changed my life. People that felt my pain, my need and decided to help me get on my tour. I don’t think they will ever understand what they did for me, not I can fully explain in words, its in me, the change, the ball rolling that they initiated for me, and the things that followed is something that truly set my life on the course I was struggling to get on. So many people detoured me the wrong way, and these two normal, happy, unburdened, cool as fuck people fixed my course. Sam and Mark, you don’t even know. One day we’ll sit in some pub and I’ll get drunk and tell you all that’s in my heart and how you made me – me again.

My road was heavy as fuck, before it got better. I wanted to do a tour of going back, retrace my step, as I mentioned above, just go where I was and see where I made the misstep. I knew I wasn’t suppose to go somewhere new, I knew I did it right before, I just need to retrace. I knew I needed to go home and to New York. But my road was heavy as fuck, before it got better. I went home after 5 years of being MIA from everyone’s lives. I made those people get used to living without me. And here I expected, as I land, everyone will line up in a straight line. That didn’t happened.

It was hard. I needed to work on people. I needed to put time into people. I needed to fully do my emotions, not pretend but go through every hurt, every frustration, all the hardship, to get through the other side.

Everything was hard. And I already came worn out. I needed to talk to everyone, deal with everyone in my family and let me tell you my family is a group of hardest, complicated individuals that ever existed. There were 4 am convos and screaming in the middle of the streets, there was crying, there was frustration, but I didn’t shy from it. They needed me as much as I needed them.

And somehow I pushed through. I want you to fully understand this, because we all go through same emotions, same situations in life, think about it, our struggles is THE ONLY thing that truly bonds every human being; I want to tell you through this long ass article – the impatience of getting there, where ever you want to be, and dreading the process of getting there – is what makes you stand, not move, not grow, just nothing. Fear of going through it is what prevents you from going where you need to be. The point of every road is the process of getting there not the destination.

Don’t get me wrong, its fucking hard. I wanted to sit and drop everything every step of the way. But I pushed myself through it. And every step of the way it was obstacles. People were not taking me in. I wasn’t taking the space in. The uncertainty. Things not going my way. But I just sat and waited and put the time in. And then slowly it began. My restoration.

To be honest, the person that helped me most is a 12 year old kid. I came home with 345 problems that piled up over the course of 5 years. At times no one could understand me. No one can truly understand the problematic nature of Los Angeles and what it does to you, unless you truly live here and experience it on your skin. It took so much time for me to explain everything to everyone. But the child, 12 year old child made more sense than all the adults combined. He was the breaking point for me. He was the one that truly changed my course for the better.

I spent the most time with him, talked with him, helped him as much as he helped me. The pureness of a child’s mind, mixed with how advanced they are, it was truly sensational to me.

Other people also get credit for getting me there. A person that I really couldn’t connect with here but the person that caught me there, saw what I need, and made me have every little experience he felt my soul needed, at the expense of his time, and at times – load of nerves.

One part of restoration done, one to go. Off to New York. Again, million problems. All the problems you can think of, they were there. Weirdness of people, no help, where should I be for so long there, no one had an ear. At times I thought, again, was this place even taking me this time around? Maybe I just wasn’t suppose to be there. But where then? Where do I belong when I don’t belong anywhere? Maybe it’s not the place, town, maybe its a person? Maybe I need a person? I didn’t like that premonition. I need me. I shouldn’t need a person. I need a person to walk next to me, not walk me there.

Again, I wanted to quit so many times. Remind you, when you decide something, universe absolutely does not conspire to help you get there. Quite the contrary. It conspires to bring you every fucking obstacle know to man. It tricks with your mind too. Its only when you’re so persistent to overcome all those obstacles, when you’re pushing and pushing – its there when it finally happens and universe stops and gives you a hand. It gives you, you. But you need to get there.

My lesson with New York was that I expected to just come in and continue where I left off when I left the city. Same people, same experiences. Wrong. We are not the same as time goes. We have new experiences we took from life. It took me a second to understand, I’m not suppose to go back where I left off. This is not before. This is new. This is New York 2.0! When I finally figured that out, things started to change drastically.

New people, new experiences, new New York. And as I decided that, things started to change. People started to change. Some people showed me such kindness, I’m still stunned as to how it changed me. I came to the place that raised me, only now I was appreciating it more. I loved the things I didn’t love before, I saw the beauty in things I couldn’t before. I needed to go out, experience the turbulence of Los Angeles to fully start to appreciate what I had before.

I stared to change, my face started to change, my attitude, I had such an adrenalin pumping me, I was happy as rarely before this past 5 years.

And however many people let me down, and that was just a poetry of fuck ups, I was stunned at few people that came up, unexpected, the last I would bet on, and showed me such kindness, it stopped me in my tracks. Just raw, honest help – without wanting anything in return. Does that really still exists? I spent 5 years in LA, I truly don’t know what that is. Can we eat that?

Even some people came into my life, people I really really wanted, and usually I’m always the one that “finds” people and puts things in motion; but this time someone I really really wanted just came to me, almost like I called it.

Finally, few days ago I completed my tour back to Los Angeles, back to ground zero, where it all started – but not for long. I touched my base, where I left off, so damn content and sure! And isn’t it great, being sure in things and not having a single doubt about it? 

I went away to find me, and boy, me is great helluva place to be!

Where ever does your glass tilt at the moment, if you aren’t happy, don’t wait to be happy. Most likely it wont find you. There’s this saying – “You need to stay somewhere long enough for luck to find you”, but I say, with the most certainty possible – Tell me, where is that line between staying somewhere long enough for luck to find you and wasting time? Do you know where that line lies?

Think about it super hard. Because one thing we absolutely can not fix, get back, or ask for re-do ….. is time.

Things are not working? Do not sit and wait around. And don’t listen to people telling you, you should be happy somewhere if you just aren’t, and mundane bullshit like – change your circles. Listen to your guts. Your insides know best. Go on your restoration tour. Find it! And find you.

You is where the luck will find you.