Spoiler alert: This post contains lots of dick plots and sub-plots. If offended, exit now. But I recommend, you stay.

I wanted to cover the subject of age for the longest time, no specific event happening to jumpstart me in that rich field of tiresome narrative, but since the recent outcry about Kate Beckinsale dating Pete Davidson, I might as well take it on now.

If you’re not familiar with the subject, Kate Beckinsale, actor, age 45, is dating Pete Davidson, comic, age 25. Let’s gather the Avengers! SWAT? Are we seriously still on this? The number of shitty age comments on her Instagram daily is a social study of academic proportions.

I have a habit of saying no women’s jealousy compares to men’s jealousy. I know you think I’m wrong on this, but I just think men hide it better.  Until they can’t. Men’s jealousy is much more sinister. Angry. Women will show jealousy towards a situation/person that directly (or so they think) threatens their situation/person. Men on the other hand are angry at random things that somehow in their minds devalue them, without having a relationship with the situation/person.

Men are angry at random women that show them no interest, women who don’t respond to their advances, women who are fighting for their equal rights, not understanding no one wants to take anything from them, men are angry at women dating younger men like that’s only reserved for them, men are angry at lots of stuff that has absolutely no personal connection to them. Something that a woman does JUST offends them.

Here comes David Spade on Kate’s Instagram, and leaves a following comment: 

“You like them young! (Now don’t fight back and roast me, just quietly stew and take the hit.)”

Let me repeat that. NOW DON’T FIGHT BACK AND ROAST ME, JUST QUIETLY STEW AND TAKE THE HIT.

“Take the hit.”

Sorry for repeating.

TAKE THE HIT.

David Spade, a 55-YEAR-OLD unfortunate-looking man who is notorious for dating gorgeous 22-year-olds, left that message on Kate Beckinsale’s Instagram. Have you Googled Kate recently? Kate is God. You come on the woman’s profile to roast her about something you do all the time, AND you ask her to quietly take your roast and not fight back? (someone please tell me this was his sarcasm and he’s not this dense. Anyone?)

Now, I probably overslept that day when the memo has been handed out in class notifying the world men are free to pick all the numbers they want in a woman: age, boob size, butt size, weight, height; but allowed to get offended when a woman dares to pick a young guy who (most likely) pins her to the wall every night. Some men seem to think they are allowed this marketplace, but women aren’t. What offends most men is women talking about dick sizes. They feel attacked, after all, dick size is something they can’t help with, and nothing gets them angry and repulsed when a woman says she wants a big dick. As opposed to the age, boob, height, weight of every woman, those numbers are acceptable to demand, want, chose. After all, we are responsible for our “numbers”, they aren’t for their dick size. 

Our numbers can be demanded, but their dick size number needs to be understood, loved as it is, and accepted.

Gotcha.

Guys on Kate’s Instagram are also offended by Pete’s look. He looks like an addict, they say (the man has Crohn’s disease). He looks like a little boy. He dresses badly. How can you like him, they spew.

They can be middle-aged, balding, beer bellies in tow, with boring-ass jobs, wrinkled suits in tow, with a watch on their wrist they have been saving for, for probably a decade. Throw in dysfunctional sexual performance they also expect you to understand, tolerate and help with, for hours before every intercourse, that will last about 15 minutes, and they will expect you to share their victorious achievement of a day because they managed. At 30-something, 40, where you should still be peaking, they managed.

No, I don’t think I’m harsh, because they unapologetically demand perfection, beauty, youth, thinness from women, but expect to be loved, nurtured, and tolerated for their inadequacies in return. Dance around them, be sensitive about their millions of issues about work, money, divorce, nuclear waste, insecurity about just about everything, have understanding in the bedroom for shitty sex, seriously, why?

Reality check. We don’t have to.

Breaking news, we can pick. As you do.

The appearance of BDE on the world stage is that much more interesting to me, given all this tired dynamic.

The originator of BDE (Big Dick Energy) is Pete Davidson, not on his own accord but by an association. How? He dated Ariana Grande. Someone asked her on Twitter how long is the duration of a song she dedicated to Pete. And this little gangster responded – “10 inches”. Internet broke. And the phrase – Big Dick Energy was invented.

Don’t get me wrong, BDE is not just for guys. Women can have BDE too. For example, Rihanna has the Biggest Dick Energy on the planet. I can be modest now and play coy, but come on, you totally know I have BDE. But let’s give you an official definition. Yes, the phrase is in urban dictionaries now, there are opinion pieces written about BDE. The New York Magazine wrote a think piece on BDE and this is how they broke it down –

“BDE is a quiet confidence and ease with oneself that comes from knowing you have an enormous penis and you know what to do with it. It’s not cockiness, it’s not a power trip — it’s the opposite: a healthy, satisfied, low-key way you feel yourself. Some may call this “oh he/she fucks” vibe, but that is different: you can fuck, but not have BDE. Some may call this “well-adjusted,” but we know the truth.

While some of us know what BDE is, intuitively — or can quickly recall the names of people we know who have it — it’s not as obvious to everyone. So here, a BDE FAQ, because Big Dick Energy is the best thing to happen to the internet.”

How do you know if you or someone else has Big Dick Energy:

“Well, there’s a certain gait — sort of like you’ve got a massive dick swinging around — but also a twinkle in the eye, like if you look right at that twinkle you can see a dick swinging in the eye. It’s that thing that makes people bogglingly attractive to others, like Pete Davidson. It also is reflected in the way others look at you. Like, you can see your own big dick swinging in their eye.”

What is the opposite of Big Dick Energy?

That’s either Little Dick Energy or Mediocre Dick Energy. Rather than being confident, that person is cocky, petty, loud. I’d diagnose Trump with LDE.

Do you have to have a Big Dick to have Big Dick Energy?

“No. You don’t really (though it is a common characteristic). What we’re talking about is really more of an aura, a vibe. There are men with Big Dicks, but who do not ooze BDE (example: Jon Hamm). There are men with average to little ones who can have so much BDE you’re surprised to find that their wang does not touch their knee. Sometimes the love of a partner can give you BDE. If your loved one loves you so much, you just walk a little taller.”

Let’s tell you about who has it and who doesn’t, so you can fine-tune this concept – 

Idris Elba: Biggest Dick Energy.
Justin Timberlake: Never.
Justin Bieber: Yes.
Kanye: No. (Not sold on this).
Cate Blanchett: For days.
Lenny Kravitz: O yes.
Batman: Yes.
Superman: No.
Chris Hemsworth: Sadly, weirdly, no.
Chris Evans: Abso-fucking-lutely.
Rihanna: Overflowing.

Now that we passed the class, you can tell, right? I can see someone for 14 seconds and tell, I always could. Before we had the phrase defined. Now, men don’t get this. Justin Timberlake, the man with the Smallest Dick Energy (remember, more to do with vibe than size) for sure thinks he has it.

That’s the problem with most men. They don’t get it. What we want, what we need. When they send idiotic messages in our DM’s thinking that flies, getting hostile when it doesn’t. Having no clue what vibe we look for in a man.

In Kate’s case; half the folk can’t understand why a woman would choose a guy 20 years younger, successful, therefore rich, the one that BDE is invented for, and, as we know, thanks to Ariana, an actual huge effing dick. And another half can’t understand how dare she date someone so much younger than her. Enough to blow your brains out.

Even before this whole scenario, even before Ariana, when I first learned about Pete Davidson, my first thought was – this is the sexiest underrated, intelligent as fuck guy who will get on to go great things. You just see it. Well, we see it. Most men, regular men, clearly don’t. Watch that video bellow and tell me this guy’s vibe, regardless of the physical taste you have in men, is not bigger that life (get to the part of paying for Kanye’s dinner) – 

To be so out of touch as to what women need is mindboggling to me. Why would a woman that looks like Kate Beckinsale deal with frustrated men, the ones like David Spade who think a certain lifestyle is allowed for them but not women? When she can be with a young, exciting, hyper-intelligent, funny guy; aging is not just looks. Aging is energy. A will for life. A joy for life that not many have after they pass 35. And those who refuse to age inside, their soul, joy, energy, adrenalin for life is what get people resentful. People will not resent you for money, looks, as much as they’ll resent you for having the energy and drive for the life they lack.

This sexist stereotype that men insist on and women constantly try to rebuff, seriously needs to die. This is not the time of “The Graduate and bored, boozed housewife like Ms. Robinson seducing her daughter’s suitor, or the faux-empowerment of the First Wives Club”, as in the words of New York Post. This is reality.

Now, I don’t want to do the ungrateful task of generalizing, and I want to finish this topic in my own experience; there are some amazing men in their 40’s I know, but rarely do they have the same zest for life that I do, and I find it tiresome. They absolutely always let their issues with something else take over our rapport, and that tires me. Like, literally drains the life out of me.

What I’ve experienced, is the guys in their 20’s and 30’s are kinder, more self-assured, they are physically on my speed, they can keep up with me. I do not want to be the person constantly setting the tempo and being a cheerleader in charge of reviving your zest for life. I don’t want to work on you, you should work on you and come my way already made.

Last year I was with someone that was 27, a few years back someone that was 26, both times, when I casually threw that information to some of my friends, the why’s and how could you’s – escaped their mouths, in awe. And I was in awe of their awe. Are we seriously still on this? Why does this bother you? 

And to be fair, it’s not just guys who can’t comprehend this new-age (pun intended) age equation. Women are vile too. Young woman. When they see a guy they like with a woman older than them or someone they don’t even like, the comments are brutal: “What are you doing with that grandma, how can you date that old fucking woman”, it always amazes me, maybe even more than men, on this subject. Men are clueless about this matter and always will be. But do these young women understand only height is forever, size is forever, the color of your skin is forever, but age is not forever. You will too reach that point soon. Sooner than you think.

I have never seen more hate towards anyone but women in their 40’s who refuse to give a fuck about age and live how they want. Imagine being 20 and being threatened with 40-year-olds? Imagine being 20 and you can’t do something (or someone) that a 40-year-old can (and does)? How sad is your life? And where can you go from here, when at 20, you are already losing, even with youth on your side?

La conclusion?

And at the end of this think-tank, about Kate and tons of comments harassing this woman to the point of her having to shut down her social media, and the constant questions that I get from my friends who get amazed, insulted, and offended with how unburdened I am about age; my own, people around me, and the people I date, it only comes down to four simple, small, little words:

BECAUSE WE FUCKING CAN.

Now, can someone, for the love of God, put out that memo? Include Spade in the chain, too.