I’m desperately trying to fathom the existence of dating apps. Literally, everyone I meet, and they happened to be on it; I take them aside for an hour to quiz them about it. I’m genuinely trying to understand. My verdict so far is a complete wonder as to why you folk put yourself through it.

Dating apps need to die. They must be the most cringe-worthy occurrence of our time; understanding why they don’t work is fairly simple, yet people (women) can’t seem to get it and stop doing it. At first, men baffled me. Reading the many screenshots of poop men write to women on dating apps was in the realm of slowly poking me with scissors.

But then over time, I set down to research this phenomenon and took a super detailed look from all sides and angles, to realize; hold on, this might actually be on women.

Look, I know it’s not easy. Finding love is hard, I get it. And doing this persistently, subjecting yourself to something that gives you much more sorrow than results – is not caring about yourself. Self-care? You did not care for – self.

I read an article on Everygirl the other day, where the author of the article talks about the book called ‘ByeFelipe’, and touches on her own experience with dating apps.

And she says:

“When I started college, dating apps were officially in full swing, meaning traditional ways of meeting people kinda flew out the window. So, I delved right into online dating, and truthfully, don’t quite know how to date any other way since.

After spending years on dating apps, I definitely have stories where guys get rude or abusive when I’m not interested or reject them. From the time a guy called me a bitch because I refused to hook up with him to the dozens of unsolicited nude photos, I entirely understand some of the negatives of our “swipe” culture.”

Let me get this straight. The author of this article spends YEARS on dating apps. During that time she experienced guys getting rude and abusive, she gets called a bitch because she refuses to hook up and she gets dozens on unsolicited dick pics; yet “truthfully she doesn’t quite know how to date any other way since”.

?

I’m at loss here. Are you at loss?

After reading this confusing article where the, I’m hoping very sane and smart person states all the terrible things dating apps made her experience yet she continues to subject herself to it, maybe thinking about that one friend she knows in 3 million that got married to a guy she met on dating app; I bought the ByeFelipe book.

Let’s get something straight, I love @byefelipe Instagram account. It’s one of my favorites. The account documents all the loser men and the pile of shit they write to women on dating apps and social media. You should check it out and follow them, it’s super funny, the captions are hilarious, and it covers the insanity men send you not just on dating apps, which many of us don’t subject ourselves to, but on social media too.

But in her book, the author of ByeFelipe, Alexandra Tweten talks specifically about her experiences with dating app culture and says:

“Going on dates is dramatic. Where did he (the guy in question, or all guys on dating apps) get the idea that he could ask a woman he’s never met to come to his house to hook up like he’s ordering a pizza for delivery?”

Hmm, let me think.

Where did he get an idea? Maybe BECAUSE DATING APPS ARE DESIGNED LIKE EVERY OTHER MARKETPLACE APP. Girls, please do better. For your own sake. Online dating IS a marketplace. Even the layout and the functionality of these dating apps are digitally designed like every other e-commerce site/app where you click, order, and buy stuff.

I’ll give you a super quick analysis. How do you behave when you go shopping for clothes? Do you go through racks, pulling clothes left and right, thinking what you want to buy? Do you take 3 thousand pieces with you in the fitting room to try and you put things on and dump the things you don’t like on the floor, then look for a salesperson and when they’re not looking you leave the fitting room and all the stuff you don’t want laying on the floor? Happy you bounced out without having to sort it all out and put it back on the hangers?

We are spoiled as shit, when we shop, no? We behave like crazy sometimes, no?

This is an equivalent of a guy on dating apps. Pulling, throwing, looking, leaving, throwing again. But instead of the pieces of clothing, he does that to you. Think. The guy that is writing you the shittiest messages, he’s most likely nothing like that in real life. He’s just on the marketplace, and he’s behaving like women behave on sale in Zara.

When you order pizza on Uber Eats, you want it right away, and you get pissed when it takes longer because you’re hungry as fuck; well guess what. The guy on the dating app is angry because you don’t want to come over right away, he’s hungry too, and he’s not on the dating app to find the love of his life or get married, he’s there to find a quick lay. And if that’s what you’re looking for, by all means, I support you all the way. Enjoy it!

But looking for love on dating apps is a form of insanity on the women’s part that I just can not understand.

Sorry, but totally with men on this one. Not condoning their repulsive talk, but I do understand why they think it’s ok to do it. And if you get out of your fear of never finding love, for one minute, you’ll understand why this concept works for men, and not for you. Men got this much better. They put some idiotic pictures on their profiles, they put outrageous bio’s to draw attention, or they pretend to be nice, all in the service of trying to fuck. How on earth do you think you can get anything significant from a picture and an online bio, where people can lie and write whatever they please?

Details in the relationship between two people takes time to reveal, and that can not be found in the dating profile. You are attracted to someone’s vibe, behavior, character, the way he treats you, talks to you – none of the things you can read in the dating profile.

To return to the words of the author of the Everygirl piece – “ I don’t quite know how to date any other way” – that part baffles me the most. I know so many intelligent women that tell me this. One told me – “What can I do, when I go out people just look at their phones, how do you meet anyone?”

Is that an American thing? It must be. I’m European, maybe I just can not understand it. But surely I do think we can at least teach each other the parts that are better in each other’s cultures.

For example, I was always so impressed with an American entrepreneurship and ability to make money from nothing. I’m learning those ropes for 20 years now. But the European way of relationships & dating is truly something we culturally do better. If that word insults you, I apologize; then read – we do it more organically. More natural.

All of you smart and capable women that subject yourself to the horrors of online dating; let me give you a super simple patent – of how. You meet people by going out, going to the grocery store, theater, park, gym, event, barbecue, dance, pool, wedding, birthdays, walkabouts, runs, after-work events, restaurants, bars, sports events, lunches, brunches, dinners, work, meetings, circus, play, picnic, skying, beach, vacation, trip and every single thing that a human being does on daily basis. Come on! You already know this.

People look at their phones when they’re out? Find me one guy on this planet that will unwelcome you, if you approached him to say something? Or just look his way, make him notice your interest, wouldn’t he lift his head up from his phone if there’s chemistry?

I met a guy a few weeks ago in the bar; his friend grabbed my hand and stopped me (not aggressively, more like in a playful matter) from walking toward a direction, and the guy came “to my rescue”. We started to talk, fun, interesting convo, not one of us looked at our phone once. We exchanged numbers and everyone went their way.

We met up a few days after. He’s not necessarily my type, meaning if I saw him on a dating app I would never swipe on him. But since I’ve met him outside, in a social setting, I saw his vibe you can not see through the screen. And I liked it. His looks didn’t attract me. His vibe did.

We judge pictures, we judge content, based on our assumptions. 

Think about how many right people you miss by swiping through?

Let me give you another example. A few years back I liked this actor, and I saw him once in the club. He was not looking up, he was really not perceptive to anything around him; he only recently moved from England and I think the intensity of sudden recognition + messy Hollywood club scene made him a bit closed up in a social setting.

He literally would not look up. You couldn’t get eye contact with this guy, even when sitting at his table. I saw him few months later in another place, he was walking toward me, same scenario, not even looking up to see who was walking around him, or his way. Then, without really thinking what I’m doing, in a split second, I bumped into him. On purpose, kinda like, ups I tripped, I didn’t see you there, sorry.

He looked up to try to catch me, he bumped into me pretty hard, he’s a big guy. We looked at each other. We started to talk. We ended up talking all night long at his friend’s table.

Why am I telling you this? Take control. Don’t be bumping into people on purpose, but you know what I mean. Asses the situation.

Don’t let idiots on dating apps make you want to vomit in your mouth, don’t wait for someone to pick you, see you, look at you; take charge. You take the charge. You put yourself out there, in the real world, where you can actually feel people, feel who they are. Just because everyone you know is doing something, doesn’t mean you have to, adjust the world to your needs, not the other way around. You are successful, smart, capable.

Go out, and unleash YOU on the world. Guys are always around, guys will absolutely always be around at your display if you chose to see it.

If you like my work and want to support it, buy me a cup of coffee! For more of my content, check out my publication on Medium and personal stories on Substack.

connect with me:

If you like my work and want to support it, buy me a cup of coffee! For more of my content, check out my publication on Medium and personal stories on Substack.

connect with me:

Miranda Vidak

Storyteller. Creative. Founder / Designer of Moodytwin Inc. Disrupting the conversation about culture, society, tv, dating, self, one op-ed at a time.

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