I’m desperately trying to fathom the existence of dating apps. Literally, everyone I meet, and they happened to be on it; I take them aside for an hour, quizzing, trying to understand. And I can not, to save my godamn life, understand, why people, you, put yourself through it.

Dating app and its stories must be the most cringeworthy occurrence of our time, and it baffles me to realize how simple it is, breaking-down why they aren’t working, yet people (women) can’t seem to get it and stop doing it. At first, men baffled me. Reading the screenshots of shit men write to women on dating apps, it would shake me to the core, thinking what this world came to. But then over time, I took a super detailed look (and research) from all sides and angles, to realize; wow, hold on, this might actually be on women.

Look, I know it’s not easy. Finding love is hard, I get it. And doing this persistently, subjecting yourself to something that gives you much more sorrow then results – is not caring about yourself. Self-care? You failed.

I read an article on Everygirl the other day, where the author of the article talks about the book called ByeFelipe, and touches about her own experience with dating apps.

And she says:

“When I started college, dating apps were officially in full swing, meaning traditional ways of meeting people kinda flew out the window. So, I delved right into online dating, and truthfully, don’t quite know how to date any other way since.

After spending years on dating apps, I definitely have stories where guys get rude or abusive when I’m not interested or reject them. From the time a guy called me a bitch because I refused to hook up with him to the dozens of unsolicited nude photos, I entirely understand some of the negatives of our “swipe” culture.”

Let me get this straight. The author of this article spends YEARS on dating apps. During that time she experienced guys getting rude and abusive, she gets called a bitch because she refuses to hook up and she gets dozens on unsolicited dic pics; yet “truthfully she doesn’t quite know how to date any other way since”….?

I’m at loss here. Are you at loss?

After reading this confusing article where the, I’m hoping very sane and smart person states all the terrible things dating apps made her experience yet she continues to subject herself to it, maybe thinking about that one friend she knows in 3 million that got married to a guy she met on dating app; I bought the ByeFelipe book. Let’s get something straight, I love @byefelipe instagram account. It’s one of my favorites. The account documents all the loser men and the pile of shit they write to women on dating apps and social media. You should check it out, follow them, its super funny, the captions are hilarious, and it covers the shit men send you not just on dating apps, which many of us don’t subject ourselves to, but on social media, and those we can not protect ourselves from.

But in her book, the author of ByeFelipe, Alexandra Tweten talks specifically about her experiences with dating app culture (the worst vomit inducing experiences that, AGAIN, I can not comprehend someone would willingly subject themselves to, and says:

“Going on dates is dramatic. Where did he (the guy in question, or all guys on dating apps) get the idea that he could ask a woman he’s never met to come to his house to hook up like he’s ordering a pizza for delivery?”

Hmm, let me think. Where did he get an idea? Maybe BECA– — USE THE DATING APPS ARE DESIGNED LIKE EVERY OTHER MARKETPLACE KNOWN TO MAN! Girls, please do better. For your own sake. Online dating IS a marketplace. Even the layout and the functionality of these dating apps are digitally designed like every other e-commerce site/app where you click and order and buy stuff!

I’ll give you a super quick analysis. How do you behave when you go shopping for clothes? Do you go through racks, pulling clothes, stretching it left and right, thinking what you want to buy? Do you take 3 thousand pieces with you in the fitting room to try and you put things on and dump the things you don’t like on the floor, then look for a sales person and when they’re not looking you leave the fitting room and you leave all the stuff you don’t want to take laying on the floor, happy you squeezed out of having to sort it and put back on the hangers? We are spoiled as shit, when we shop, no? We behave like crazy sometimes, no?

This is an equivalent of a guy on dating apps. Pulling, stretching, throwing, looking, leaving, throwing again. But instead of the pieces of clothing, he does that to you. Think. The guy that is writing you the shittiest messages, he’s most likely noting like that in real life. He’s just on the marketplace, and he’s behaving like women behave on sale in Zara.

When you order pizza on Uber Eats, you want it right away, and you get pissed when it takes longer because you’re hungry as fuck; well guess what. The guy on dating app is angry because you don’t want to come over right away, he’s hungry too, and he’s not on the dating app to find the love of his life or get married, he’s there to find a quick lay. And if that’s what you’re looking for, by all means, I support you all the way. Enjoy it! But looking for love on dating apps, its a form of insanity on the women’s part that I just can not understand.

Sorry, but totally with men on this one. Not condoning their repulsive talk, but I do understand why they think it’s ok to do it. And if you get out of your fear of never finding love, for one minute, you’ll understand why this concept work for men, and not for you. Men got this much better. They put some idiotic pictures on their profiles, they put an outrageous bio’s to draw attention, or they pretend to be nice, all in the service of trying to fuck. How on earth do you think you can get anything significant from a picture and an online bio, where people can lie and write whatever the hell they please?

Details in the relationship between two people takes time to reveal, and that can not be found in the dating profile. You are attracted in someone’s vibe, behavior, character, the way he treats you, talks to you – none of the things you can read in the dating profile.

To return to the words of the author of the Everygirl piece – “ I don’t quite know how to date any other way” – that part baffles me the most. I know so many intelligent women that tell me this. One told me – “What can I do, when I go out people just look at their phones, how do you meet anyone?”

Is that an American thing? It must be. I’m European, maybe I just can not understand it. But surely I do think we can at least teach eachother the parts that are better in eachother’s cultures. For example, I was always so impressed with an American entrepreneurship and ability to make money from nothing. I’m learning the ropes for 20 years now. But European way of relationships & dating is truly something we culturally do better. If that word insults you, I apologize; then read – we do it more organically. More natural.

So please, all you smart and capable women that subject yourself to the horrors of online dating; let me give you a super simple patent, of how. You meet people by going out, going to the grocery store, theater, park, gym, event, barbecue, dance, pool, wedding, birthdays, walkabouts, runs, afterwork events, restaurants, bars, sport events, lunches, brunches, dinners, work, meetings, circus, play, picnic, skying, beach, vacation, trip and every single thing that a human being does on daily basis. Come on. You know this!

Doesn’t matter people look at their phones. It’s your fear of ending up without the guy that makes you block yourself with that statement. Find me one guy on this planet that will tell you something unwelcome, if you make him look up from his phone? Chemistry you possibly might have with people you meet won’t care about any phones. You do not want a guy that stares at his phone while out, unless you’re into gay men from West Hollywood that pump their abs for a selfie.

I met a guy a bit ago, in the bar; by his idiot friend grabbing my hand and stopping me (not aggressively, more like in a funny matter), and he came to my rescue. We started to talk, super fun, cool convo, not one of us looked at our phone once. We exchanged numbers and the rest is not a history yet, but also not for these pages. He’s not necessarily my type, meaning if I saw him on dating app I would never swipe to talk to him. We judge pictures, we judge content, based on out assumptions. Yet this guys is the coolest thing I have meet in a while and I only saw that buy starting to talk to him and having some vibe you can not have through the screen, but in person. His looks did not attract me. His vibe did.

Think about how many people you miss by swiping through?

Let me give you another example. Few years back I liked this actor, and I saw him once in the club. He was not looking up, he was really not perceptive to anything around him; he only recently moved from England and I think the intensity of sudden recognition + insanity of Hollywood club scene (not in a good way), made him be really closed up towards the people around him. He literally would not look up. I saw him few months later in another place, he was walking toward me, same scenario, not even looking up for me to see if there’s anything going on. Then, not even thinking what I’m doing, in a split second, I bumped into him on purpose, kinda like, ups I’m tripping (bullshit). He looked up to catch me. We looked at each other. We started to talk. We ended up talking all night at his friends table. No one is looking up, or looking at each other is an excuse you tell yourself. It’s so easy to meet people, start talking to people, if you’re open to it.

Why am I telling you this? Take control. Don’t let idiots on dating apps make you want to vomit in your mouth, don’t wait for someone to pick you, see you, look at you; take charge. You take charge for you. You put yourself out there, in the real world, where you can actually feel people, feel who they are. Just because everyone you know is doing something, you don’t need to. You know better. You are successful, smart, capable.

Go out, and unleash YOU on the world. Guys are always around, guys will absolutely always be around at your display, if you chose to see it.

Miranda Vidak
Miranda Vidak

Founder & Designer of Moodytwin. Disrupting a conversation about identity, career, culture, relationships and self-care.

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