I have never seen more passionate responses to any of my articles as the Boom, Boom, Ciao I wrote last week. Some of them were even borderline angry! What other subject on earth can raise such strong feelings, but the subject of love? Still, I was a bit taken aback my take on the relationship dynamics would stir such feelings. I have never received more comments and DM’s on the subject; women asking me to downright explain myself!

I tried to answer each one; I really do understand what feelings, or lack thereof can cause to a human being, but my answers and explanations raised another question, and another – “but, I thought”, so I felt it would be a never-ending story trying to reason with everyone. Instead, I decided to write another post on the subject, and fully lay out my feelings on feelings.

If you didn’t read my last post, you can catch up here. Let me rewind a bit and explain what this intensity is all about. A few weeks ago I watched a TV show “Money Heist” on Netflix (number 1. most watched TV Show on Netflix, and you simply have to watch it), and the writing was simply mind-blowing. In one episode, the character is saying a line that literally stopped me in my tracks. It shifted my mind and made me realize, actually – it put a definition to a concept I often though about, but never really verbalized it out loud.

The quote was:

“In the matters of the heart, there is the lover and the beloved. The lover lives with passion, full commitment and romanticism. The beloved, is limited to being idolized. I’m not saying that being a lover is bad, don’t get me wrong, but you have to know what happens. You suffer. A lot. Beloved is having the better time. Its the law of love, I’m sorry. That’s the way it is.”

Lover. And the beloved. THE BELOVED IS LIMITED TO BEING IDOLIZED. Not sure I have ever read more epic sentence in my entire life. I don’t know about you, but I found this concept downright fascinating. It blew my mind. And it’s so true; the dynamic in relationships between two people is always lover and the beloved. One always loves a bit harder than the other.

And that is where the “trouble” with my post started. I then said:

“I can not believe I have never though about this concept. But I felt it. I lived it. Almost every time. One was the lover and one was the beloved. I was either, or. But never equally the same.”

Somehow, this offended people. Women that were following my very public relationship for a decade, read that as a diss, a confirmation I never really loved him as much as he loved me. And he was very, very public about showing his love for me. One person wrote – “Noooo, please don’t say that and don’t crush my childhood illusions about the ideal love that you guys were!” Another person told me angrily that she collected all the magazine cut-outs of our interviews in the media where we spoke out about our love and that she’s disappointed to see true love does not exist after all. And so on.

I never, ever feel the need to respond to any opinions about me. But this time, I really felt I should explain myself on the subject, as I do not want to be the person that crushes someone’s ideals of love, nor I want to be the person that represents this for you.

It’s a huge responsibility, often times even a pressure; I constantly get messages about our relationships and how disappointed people were when we broke up. I care about young girls not being disheartened with love, and it’s important to not idolize or idealize something you actually might assume about or not know enough details about.

So here goes:

First of all, I never said I didn’t love him. Nor I said I loved him less than he loved me. He was just more vocal about his love, and if you know me from that period of my life you know about my constant displeasement with media, assumptions, inventing narratives; you know I always saw media as the necessary evil. He was just more comfortable with it than me.

What I meant was our dynamic was different. I was more relaxed, and he was very dramatic about us. That is just how we expressed it to the public. The expression of the feeling and the actual feeling are two separate things.

Moreover, your disappointment about the concept of an expiration date on love is simply wrong. The love you talk about is the simple, basic love that I don’t engage in. What me and him had is beyond that love. It was the love in its truest form, without any games, power plays, vanities, ego.

True love in its absolute form is actually not about having to be together until you die or bringing babies into this world. It’s being happy that the person you love exists in this world and she might need to exist somewhere further than you, and you are ok with that. It’s the simplest, purest, most concentrated love that the kind of people that settle just can not understand.

It’s the love that lets you go be what you need to be, and do what you need to do.

The relationship is one thing. Love is another thing. Relationship consists of many many things. There’s the way you see this person, there’s how he/she makes you feel, there is the type of sex you have with this person, there’s the lifestyle they lead. You can love someone, and still have some of those things not work for you, with a certain person.

The most common question I get from every single human being is why I left my relationship. Actual details you won’t ever know and I’m sorry for that, that is private, but the details are not relevant here. People break the relationships because some of those things I named in the previous paragraph do not work for them. Lifestyle, or sex or type of the relationship it is.

There are two types of relationships. Stability and growth. The CEO of Hinge Justin McLeod explained it perfectly:

“I find some people very growth-orientated and some people very stability-orientated. Some always want to change, grow, learn new stuff; some are very content — there’s nothing wrong with this — with routine, safety and security.”

Love is one thing. You love a person, specifically that particular person. But then, it comes down to math. Relationship is math. What kind of person you are and what kind of relationship you want. And both people need to want to same kind of relationship. I’m very growth oriented person, I’m not the type for anything stagnant, like “this person feels nice” type of relationship.

I’m intense in everything I do, I need to constantly move, go, learn, grow; I’m hungry for the world, creation, specific kind of physical touch, and I wasn’t the same person at the beginning of that relationship, and at the end. My math did not add up, and I left.

I think the thing that confuses you guys here is, love has nothing to do with all of that. You can love someone with all your heart, and you can have that person not lead the life that you want to lead. The relationship can end, but love does not end. Its is just different kind of love, its not romantic or sexual, but its the most premium one that exists.

It’s actually an even better kind of love, stripped of any ego, power plays over one another, its the type of love where you truly care about the wellbeing of the other person, and you have his best interest in heart and you would dig anyone’s eyes out who dares say something bad about him in your presence.

So you don’t need to tear your articles about us, keep it if makes you believe in something great and something you want to aspire to. Me and him are soulmates, not as lovers, but as human beings, no matter where we are, and that’s something you should definitely aspire to.

Another question I got is about – vanity. Ego. Woman’s vanity. I got asked about my ex’s new girlfriend and how I can be so chill about him being with someone new. The person who asked me went on to say how she broke up with someone and then saw him with someone else and lost it, even though she ended the relationship. She was asking me how I have this chill mentality, annoyed that she doesn’t. Annoyed that she feels anger towards her ex’s new girlfriend, even though she left him.

She also mentioned Gwyneth Paltrow and how she read about Gwyneth coming to her ex husband’s new girlfriend’s birthday party and she was so hurt by not being the type of person who can do that, she simply assumed and convinced herself in this ridiculous narrative how Gwyneth and her ex-husband must have some business together so they have to play nice or she never loved him in the first place, if she can be so cool.

See that right there? She must have never loved him if she’s cool with being around him and his new girlfriend. All I can say to the person that thinks that, you have so much more growing to do. This is not about  Gwyneth or love or ego or jealousy, this is just about you. You need to stop reacting, instead, take time, think and grow.

How I got to this point?

I did exactly that. I grew. I wasn’t always like this, I worked on myself. Hard. When I was 18, I had a boyfriend in my hometown, and when I went to college to a different town where my ex-boyfriend lived, my current boyfriend started to act super insecure. He kept telling me I will for sure meet up with my ex and leave him, regardless of me repeating to him I won’t, I have no wish for it, I’m not even thinking about it until he mentioned it.

His fear was somewhat understandable, my ex was a super hot basketball player. My current boyfriend’s constant rage and jealousy about it started to turn me off so badly; I couldn’t think or study, and I was thinking of maybe ending things with him, I couldn’t take it anymore.

When I returned home for the Easter holidays from school, our mutual friend told me he slept with 3 girls I knew well. And he made sure the mutual friend tells me.

I came home from that conversation, sat down for lunch, and felt 3 huge blisters erupt on my lip, in real-time. While I was sitting, waiting for food. My dad was looking at my face with, what the hell is happening to you, are you turning into a lizard in front of my eyes, what’s going on – question mark above his head.

To this day (actually I had it last week), the 3 connected blisters always erupt on the exact same spot, on my upper right lip. When I finished dinner that night, I went to my room, sat myself in front of the empty wall, had a little heart attack from what I just heard, and said to myself – this happened now, and it will never ever happen again in your life.

I pepped talked myself: “You will now figure this thing out and you will never in your life be affected by men or jealousy or bitterness or rage over anyone, ever again. The mark is permanently on my lip, still there, to always remind me of this lesson and growth.

I was 18, barely an adult, and I explained this to myself, like simple math (as you noticed by now, I see everything in life mathematically) – jealousy is useless, cheating is never about you not being good enough, its always about the person doing it, not you, and anyone that does not see your worth is just a person you don’t need in life.

Jealousy is actually counter-productive if you want to achieve anything. Here you are, worried someone might like someone else over you, while you’re raging with jealousy, and that is suppose to make you more appealing? It makes you the exact opposite. I just don’t see the logic there.

But being chill and respecting yourself, knowing your worth, will actually get you the results you seek. It didn’t happen over night, but slowly, I started to be so cool about everything that all my next boyfriends thought I don’t care enough about them. Like nothing or no one could get a reaction out of me.

Its also an American thing, I moved to America very early in my life, and adopted that practical way of thinking; I never had too much of a Balkan mentality to begin with, but even less after I spent most of my life in States. I have a very simple and practical way of thinking that a person is allowed to have history, people in his life before you, and might have it after you.

I don’t go around thinking everyone wants to sleep with everyone as soon as they cross the doorstep, I have never touched my ex-boyfriend’s phone, nor I would touch it, even if he gives me. I truly think everyone should have their privacy and I don’t think I need to know everything, snooping around only gets you to discover things you can misunderstand and unnecessarily worry.

And if someone you are with is actually doing some shit, it will reveal when it has to, with you or without you trying to dig shit out.

Let me put it like this, I value myself way too much and I think I’m way too cool to be looking and snooping and worrying, when I know what I bring to the table. I know not everyone is the same, but if you can work on yourself, and try to adopt this way of mentality, you will start seeing everything much more realistically, then to think everything is a conspiracy against you.

Few years back I saw a picture of my ex with his new girlfriend, now wife, and I actually posted it on my social media, saying I like them together. People were so shocked, they thought its some power play, some diabolical game I’m playing; the comments on the article in media that picked it up were – “well, she must have never even loved him if she can be this chill”.

Again the same thing. Connecting chillness with lack of love and craziness with love.

Lesson I want to give to all of you girls that read my blog and follow my life for many, many years now – please stop mistaking intensity and craziness with love and chillness and calmness with lack of love. Never had I heard of a concept that is more untrue. It’s actually the total opposite.

If you ever truly loved someone, you are happy they have met someone that can be to them something they wanted you to be, and you couldn’t.

Being chill is being an evolved human being, who understands people aren’t toys and their lives don’t serve the purpose of feeding or starving your ego. Instead, stay on the right path of why you left someone or something; no one on this planet that is in their right state of mind left something that was good for them.

Your instincts, the ones that got you out of somewhere, know what’s best for you, even when your head interferes with it. Clean your energy of ego and vanity, and fill it with an aspiration of finding that thing (or a person) that ticks all of your boxes!