So this is what you meant when you said you’re spent” – I heard blazing from my Spotify, randomly, the other day; a lyric from Imagine Dragons’ – “It’s Time”, and it finally put the exact words to the feeling I’ve been having for 6 month now, and the silence it ensued. On this blog. A six month of silence, from my last article, came abruptly. Wasn’t planned. I just could not talk.

“…and now it’s time to build from the bottom of the pit…” – the Imagine Dragons continue their lyric, again timely, where I finally feel I could say something. I finally came to the point where I actually have some words coming out of me.

Everyone is experiencing this year differently, no one is having it easy, needless to say; for me, it was just this dire need for silence. All the things we experienced, all the noise, the charges in communication made me just completely shut down. The feeling and the action that followed was utterly unlike me – if you know me just a little bit, you know I deal with life and its issues by talking them out, not shutting down; I take action, I say things, often times much more and much more directly then your regular friendly neighbor or friend. I strongly believe in taking actions, having a stand, making some actual, traceable change. Pointless, mindless easiness of just existing was something I strongly believe we can not afford – if you can, and if your life is breezy, lots of people’s aren’t, and there is ALWAYS someone or something to help, fix, advocate.

When the pandemic started, the realization of the true nature of (some) people shook me, it was truly a mindblowing thing for me to actually have a privilege to see; something we would never ever have the opportunity, but after a first two months – the aha moment wore off for me, it just became too much. It was too many, too much, too loud; the social networks became an instrument of a delusion, and I just felt the place for actually making some changes is elsewhere. The talk needs to be elsewhere. Action needs to be elsewhere. The fight has to be elsewhere. Social media is great to transfer the important info, to gather attention to the important cause, to rally up, to learn, to discover, but when it stopped having that purpose and became just an instrument to exercise frustrations, I just needed silence. I could not look at my phone anymore.

I wanted to listen more, talk less. Most of all, I wanted to observe. And talk whenever I felt I have something in me. The ugliness of what social media turned into isn’t all that surprising or unexpected. Think about it, people got locked up at home out of the blue. Lost the control over their plans, destinies, life. Lost their social lives. Is it that surprising that those with self-esteem problems, ego problems, or narcissism problems or anger problems, or insignificance problems would NEED to find the outlet to vent? You lack everything you had until yesterday; today, all you have is four walls, a TV, and a computer. You lost control of your own life. You need to create the illusion of control.

Before the social unrest and politics, the first pile-up was the virus. The Facebook warriors appeared out of the woodwork with basic inferiority 101 exercise: I have nothing going on for me in my life, I was never special, and I need to now be edgy and have all these different views than the rest of the sane world, because these views make me special and, did I say – edgy, so my 3 Youtube videos I watched on the subject of pandemic are very different than some other 3 Youtube videos someone else watched, so mine are a legit, direct source and proof of a global conspiracy, and all of you that don’t see that are just sheep who needs to WAKE UP.

That has become my favorite line during pandemic, all the lunatics online yelling – WAKE UP! Also, I like the -“Wake up and do your research!” – combo, with a few exclamation marks for maximum dramatic effect! They are either storming the internets or the supermarkets, in, I read someone say perfectly – “spasms of idiocy and craziness” – and they just would not let go. I literally know people who are STILL on Facebook, yelling WAKE UP!!! daily, even now, November, when most people got worn out with the whole pandemic when many realize the actual truth of this situation is something we’ll probably never be able to know for sure, but on whatever side of opinions we are in the matter of how much danger this virus possesses – THE FACT is – none of us was there in the room when it happens. The people who think this virus is a hoax and the people who think its dangerous, none were in the room. None have the actual facts. No Youtube video is more legit or superior in actuality than some other Youtube video stating otherwise. I’m perfectly confident in saying – I just do not know enough.

But the unwillingness of some to let go, blows my mind. If you want to be “woken up”, then you’d just be happy you are, and not angry others are not. If you think the virus is fake, why do you care others don’t? Enjoy your realizations, live your life. What is the problem? How convinced are you in your convictions when you need to aggressively yell it online to others? They can not let go. Because if they let go, they need to go back to the nothingness of their lives. Being nothing. If they don’t have an internet crusade, then what do they have? Somehow still, the virus found its way through hand sanitizers and denial.

As the virus wasn’t enough in one year or even in a lifetime, we got hit with overlapping crises of civil unrest + the global pandemic. If you think those two things shouldn’t be related or you’ll develop another conspiracy theory on top of the already pending conspiracy theory; your phony nationalism needs more polishing. There is no us against them, there is no empty attack on the system; universal health and social justice are in a direct relationship. The never-ending pandemic of homelessness and crushing poverty will always stay the wound of the planet, if not solved.

I won’t go too much into the events of the year that followed in the lineup, I only want to discuss how they reflected on the people; the protests and Black Lives Matter, my own experience of being forcefully held by the police, at two protests, is for my emotional drawers where I’ll be able to pull out until the day I exit this place. But where the utter insanity began for me, where I actually needed to step away and observe in silence, is seeing the ugliness of the people in what followed. 

Did you ever notice that the same people who think the virus does not exist, are also the people who yell All Lives Matter, are also the people who are bothered their cities are being demolished but not black people being historically demolished, are also the people that think Trump is the savior of the planet? Not sure about you but I never met anyone that did not check all those boxes. No one of, all of them.

You know what I noticed? The most vocal ones are two types. Guys with alpha hate energy masked in patriotism, Instagram bios that say producer or entrepreneur (without an actual job, making $$ on Airbnb), and my favorite kind: women without actual jobs that married some older fuck with $$, they do nothing, they take their kid to the beach, enjoy the lifestyle they, themselves did not pay for, surgically removed from reality, who post – “Omg why is there a need to trash the cities, we just need to all get along, I don’t see color in people, SIMPLE!” And then you have her even dumber friends comment little Emojis of applause, saying you go girl, yes girl, speak the truth girl! And just like that, racism solved! Wasted 200 years, while the homegirl had the simple solution, all this time.

What amazes me most about this whole year is laziness. Laziness of thought, the laziness of action; aggression about being proud in never actually researching the history, never taking time to hop on the fact bandwagon, just adopting whatever reality seem best sounding to them, completely unaware of just how many inadequacies about themselves they showcase by their “opinions”. The sole need to HAVE all these opinions – is what I’ll remember hating 2020 the most. The need to have a stand, without any research. Without any grit, knowledge. Why is there a need to have an opinion? It’s perfectly ok to say – I’m a dumb bitch who never had to work, suffer or try in life, I met this asshole who pays for everything, I can have the privilege of not needing to know the issues of the real world and people around me that have been dealt terrible hands, I have the privilege to not having to know any of the grit, I have the privilege of running on the beach in linen clothing – AND THAT IS FINE, I honestly don’t mind people having those kinds of lives that’s all they want or are capable of, but I mind having opinions on subjects you did jack shit to know anything about.

Enter Trump. Well, Exit Trump. The scene, as well as my comeback article. I don’t want to talk about him too much, only in relation to what he showed about people. He polarized a true, scary character in people. And I’m glad he did, so I can suss them out. I see it as like a sleeper cell, all those people walking around, you have them in your lives, living normally, among you us all, all this time – and we had no clue what they are and are capable of. To be the type of person that can justify the ugliness of his character and bypass that to even think about some policies you might like is an abomination of your character, sorry, no other way you can justify it to yourself. I won’t go into expected – “o but he’s gross, how could you, he keeps kids in cages” – classic trap that all the sane, smart people that don’t like him usually fall into when talking to a Trumper. They know he’s gross, they think it’s strength, and they don’t see your point. Get over it! – famous Trump supporter phrase.

It’s not that. It’s the exact opposite. It’s them thinking a fake billionaire is “from the people” and will fight for the regular people. An ex-democrat who is only running republican because he knows how dumb and gullible their base is, an opportunist, an aspiring dictator is the person they see dismantling the system – when he IS the fucking system. The best thing I ever read about him, which all of us that grew up in Manhattan well known since the ’90s and 00’s, a brilliant article titled- “The Illness He Is” (an absolute must-read from The Ink, please check it out), and my favorite quote from it – “He’s a weak man who has always longed to be a strong man, and he is a weak man’s idea of a strong man”. A WEAK MAN’S IDEA OF A STRONG MAN.

I won’t even go into his relaxed relationship with the truth or numerous sexual assault charges waiting for him on the other side. The most important thing here is you thinking he’s a billionaire businessman who KNOWS how to run the country, a con-man, with every single business failed, with multilevel marketing scheme posing as college, a scammer – this is your savior, this is who you think needs to save the world. Thank you for telling us how weak and small you are.

I heard some lunatic I once knew yelling on Instagram the other day – “All you Commies & Maskies” – so this is what we came to, one side of the country thinking every sane human being who wants humanity and equality is a communist, or a Marxist, without having an actual clue what those terms even actually mean. A cultural war, we are in the actual cultural war between sanity & delusion.

What is the sad conclusion for 2020? Trump will leave on Jan 20th. But he won’t leave. A weak man that always longed to be a strong man had a taste of the highest power. He will open the TV Network where he’ll keep spewing his hate, he will be that stone in your shoe that you can’t take out, he will tweet his little stabs about Biden Administration, as he did with Obama Administration, he will continue to speak in charged, insulting tone, he will keep the rhetoric of the impression we are in the war, it’s kill or be killed, survival of the fittest moment, he will keep the sense of urgency that is achieved with an aggressive tone, he will flirt with running in 2024, keep talking about the patriotism and democracy while sending you misleading emails asking your money, and you will do it, even though it says in small letters – that money is going towards the campaign debts.

You’ll keep ignoring the facts and logic in your face because you need this crusade and sense of purpose; how can you go back to the real-life now when you had nothing going on in it, BUT here you have this mission? The culture war is here to stay.

And what do WE do? How do we close this craziness of the year? How do we find sense in all this? By listening. Observing. Learning about people. Sussing out the weed from the crop. And most importantly, by shutting off from internet noise from time to time, having that sanity break while keeping in mind – in the face of primal impulses, logic and progress always prevail.


Image credit – Burnt Toast Creative