“This is a show about female desire – That’s the sentence I wrote at the top of everything – the first story document, the first outline, the first script for Sex/Life. It was an announcement. Because I knew, even then, that telling such a story would be daring, risky, controversial. Mostly because female desire has been seen for centuries – millennia, even – as one of the most dangerous forces in the universe.” – Stacy Rukeyser, creator of Sex/Life.

Two weeks today, we talked about 3 box theory. Choices. For those of you who missed it, you can catch up here. We talked about women coming out of this pandemic underestimating themselves, frantically going on dates, hoping to get picked, hoping the guy wants a relationship, without first assessing if this guy is even what you’re looking for. All while using sex to strategize the relationship out of them.

Not for enjoyment, for strategy.

Sex is a big part of the 3 box theory. Just to repeat the terminology for those who missed the last article and don’t feel like reading it all, the 3 box theory is a theory about men, who, upon meeting a woman know right away if they want her in friend box, dating box, or just sex box.

We talked about women being confused with men’s signals, and not being able (wanting) to understand men are not confused about what they want, they just want you in the box you don’t want to be at.

Instead of trying to strategize men to want what you want, women should do the same. Have their own boxes. Boxes are just a choice.

In translation: you shouldn’t want to be in a relationship with just any guy that wants you. You shouldn’t go on a date hoping “he likes you”. You should walk out of your doors, on the way to meet him, thinking – “I hope I like this guy”. And after that – “hope WE are for each other”. You should wait for a guy who puts you in the same box YOU put HIM in.

Your choice also extends to not wanting to date someone, if that’s how you feel, and just have sex with them. It’s totally cool to feel physical attraction with someone that is not your relationship material. The reason why most women can’t even recognize or find great sex in a partner is because they spent years using sex (withholding sex) to scheme a guy into wanting a relationship.

If sex for you is a strategy and not enjoyment, your body won’t ever be skilled to recognize or find passion. The type of sex you are dying to find while watching Sex/Life.

Let’s deconstruct how the show relates to real life.

Firstly, Sex/Life is bullshit. It has great sex in it, but you should be having that kind of sex in real life. The show’s creators are on a clueless quest of trying to be revolutionary. I’ll repeat creator Stacy Rukeyser quote from the beginning of this article:

“This is a show about female desire – That’s the sentence I wrote at the top of everything – the first story document, the first outline, the first script for Sex/Life. It was an announcement. Because I knew, even then, that telling such a story would be daring, risky, controversial. Mostly because female desire has been seen for centuries – millennia, even – as one of the most dangerous forces in the universe.”

The show is not about desire. Telling a story about the type of sex everyone should have is not daring, risky, or controversial. And female desire is not a dangerous force, no matter how hard the creator wanted to start the uprising for a right to be fucked properly.

First of all, except for sex, the show’s premise is idiotic. I’ll come to that later. But the book it’s based on is actually excellent. If you didn’t read it, I highly recommend it. “44 Chapters About 4 Men”, by BB Easton is a memoir about a married woman who loves her husband but wants him to be “less cold” in bed. She starts writing about 4 men she dated in her life, not one, 4 men; her husband finds the manuscript and starts implementing what he read into their sex life. BB Easton, being a psychologist, understood the behavior modification technique she stumbled upon and continued writing not what actually happened, but what she wanted her husband to read/implement. Sort of directing him. She never meets anyone from her past. The psychological dance between her and the husband is brilliantly written.

The problem I have with the series, alongside the rest of the sane world, is the way choice is presented. There is a stable guy who is boring in bed and there is a wild, unstable problematic guy who is a great fuck.

I mean, I don’t even have to write this article, the creator’s own words about it pen this whole fuckery.

“And she’s a mom who wants sex? Well, now you’re really pushing it – straight into the face of the lingering Madonna/whore complex of our patriarchy. Martyrdom is the ideal. Sacrifice, part of the gig. Gratitude, the only allowable emotion.”

You literally can not make this shit up.

Martyrdom.

Sacrifice.

Patriarchy.

Whore complex.

GRATITUDE.

Let me solve this wannabe revolutionary conundrum you developed into a series, Stacy, in one simple sentence: YOU CAN JUST MARRY SOMEONE THAT FUCKS GREAT.

She continues:

“And yet, here I was, giving voice to the secret truth that it is possible for a woman to be incredibly grateful for her many blessings, to adore her children, to love being a mom – and still want more. To yearn for something dreamy and steamy and romantic and titillating, something that will take you away – or, if you’re lucky, back – to a time and a place and a person you once were. To dream of being a wife and mother and ravenous sex goddess, all at the same time.”

Dreamy & steamy?

Now you know this woman never got fucked properly, in her entire life.

I swear I can not stop:

“Turns out, creating a show about a woman who admits she’s had sex and wants more of it – better sex – without making her the villain or punishing her for her appetite is, in itself, a revolutionary act.”

“She tries for so long to be “good,” to forgive her husband’s shortcomings, to deny her appetite, and accept – as current feminist thinking tells us – that we can’t have it all, at least not all at the same time.”

And here we are. “….telling us we can’t have it all, at least not at the same time.”

This right here is what’s so problematic with this show and what is advertising to women. As I already mentioned in the paragraph above: there is a stable boring guy, and there is an asshole who’s great in bed. You gotta CHOOSE. You can’t have it all.

Except this is all bullshit, and you absolutely CAN.

But you need to want to CHOSE IT.

Stacy was too occupied with trying to create the post-pandemic zeitgeist of “female desire”, and forgot to develop her characters. Adam Demos’ (Brad) character is developed properly. We start with this fuckboy and slowly understand how he got to where he arrived; he is the most complete and logical character. Sarah Shahi’s (Billy) is laughably undeveloped and serves only as a vessel for desire. The ending where she comes to his loft and says – “now fuck me”, is an insult to the viewer that watched his character become everything she needs and wants in a guy. You did not come to get fucked. You came for the whole package of love, lust, understanding – circled up in great sex.

Presenting a husband as a stable, boring, loving guy who wants to be with you, wants to marry you, and you married him because the one you actually wanted to marry had issues at the time, except the one you actually wanted is even more so a decent guy, who explained all his past issues, he wanted and again wants to marry you, AND you have the passion with him you don’t have with your husband.

Exactly what is the choice here?

It scares me how many women I know don’t care about passion, lust, great chemistry – they want to be with a certain type of guy, whatever reason, money, status, something. And endure lame sex for the price of it. Those are the types that chose “stable”, then come home and watch Sex/Life on loop and ponder why they don’t “have it all”.

Except, you CHOSE to not have it all.

Why aren’t you having it all?

I’ll give you a real-life conundrum:

Some time ago I met a guy who was by all means expected to be this badass, great, stud; he was well known, NBA player, kinda bit of a bad boy and I met him in the midst of all Bruce Willis stories you read about me. I would actually run from dinner with Bruce (that was just a friend, despite what media tried to convince you) to meet this guy. I had an important shoot in the days I met him and my photographer locked me in his house because I would constantly run away and come home at 5-6 am; believe me, in California, that’s an achievement. In those days I thought I’m pretty indestructible and I could do it all, working 10 hour days, running on no sleep.

The first time I had sex with him, I expected, considering all about him, who he is, how he carries himself, he would be great in bed, I’d be flying home all worn out and passioned up. Except, sex was terrible. This person literally does not know how the human body parts work, kind of terrible.

He continued his life always chasing supermodels, actresses, even planting stories in the press about famous actresses and him – all made up, and every time I see a story about him in media, I knew why he tries so hard to appear a stud, a heartbreaker – terrible in bed. I call him a try-hard. He married one at the end, and every time I see her face somewhere, I think about all the terrible sex she had before dumping him.

Same time, literally at the same time, another NBA player is trying to get in contact with me, but this one I grew up with. We met when we were 15 years old and we played basketball together. He always had a crush on me, since we were kids, but he was the biggest nerd, uncool as you can be, and when you’re 16, 17 you don’t want to date nerds or good boys, you want to date bad boys, and at that age, I was a serious mafia.

Fast forward 15 years later. We’re in our 30’s now. He was married. Divorced. But throughout the years always tried to contact me and I would always think the same – “Nah, he’s such a nerd.” I can’t. I’d swallow him alive.

He caught me in New York on a particularly slow, boring weekend and I decided to meet up with him. We hung out at his hotel and talked for like 10 hours straight, never anything sexual crossed my mind, I was still reeling from the disappointment of the other guy. I got up to grab some water, and when I came back, and I was sitting at the bottom of his bed, it’s no biggie, we know each other for 15 years now; in some split second I caught something, not sure what, a glimpse, a spark, something in the eye; I thought to myself, I might be wrong about this, maybe he’s not bad. Decided on the spot, this is it, we’re doing it.

Except, it was the best sex I had in my entire life. Not just until then, until right NOW. Every guy I meet, I try to find that exact blueprint of sex.

The nerd, who can barely speak properly, whose gait even after getting to the NBA, achieving everything he dreamed of was still unsure, modest, never reeked of confidence; as soon as the situation turns sexual, he transforms into something entirely different. A beast. I have never again met such talent for physical movement, it’s basically poetry. If you could bottle it, you could sell it.

Why I didn’t stay with him? Because he was in the middle of a messy divorce and I didn’t want to get caught in the middle of it, I had enough media flack of my own. Because I wanted a few more things out of a guy, and he didn’t have it. And I don’t want to marry an athlete.

But the sexual chemistry we had and the purely technical aspect of mind-blowingly great sex led us to continue having it for another 9 years. Like, we’d be dating other people and constantly be running to each other. Escaping the paparazzi never got caught, and never could quite find it in anyone else.

And then I did. 3 more times. In 3 other people. And I did only because I honed my senses into finding exactly what I want. The type of sex he showed me could exist. I’ve had it, so I could recognize it.

Moral (pun intended) of the story? It’s really not complicated. You keep going UNTIL you find your relationship material, all that you want in a guy, PLUS great sex. You find everything you like but sex is not great? NO. You will come to regret it.

I developed this theory – you need to start a relationship with amazing sex. In time, over years, passion will die down a bit. But imagine if you already start with terrible, dispassionate sex, what will that turn into, over years? Into depression, unhappiness, living vicariously through great sex you see on Television.

How do you measure great sex?

I measure it like this: You want to have chemistry so intense with someone, that the actual act of having sex would cool things off.

Re-read it a few times.

The one thing the show did get right is, and this part is controversial – flip the script on gaze. In the words of the creator:

“An all-female directing team, guiding bodies in slow motion, under magical, jewel-toned lighting, the camera focused on our heroine Billie’s experience, lingering on the male bodies, if anything, for Billie’s (and our) pleasure, the female gaze”

Throughout history, men are allowed the “male gaze”, ogling women’s bodies like predators, expecting women to be beautiful, thin, with great tits and asses, discarding women when their bodies are no longer “sexual”.

Lots of people found issues with episode 3 of Sex/Life, where the seemingly nice decent husband follows the ex-lover and sees his humongous dick. We all see it. Mind you, I watched episode 3 IN A SUBWAY. The chatter after that episode was, mostly from straight men – “Well, what is a guy to do if he has a small dick, this is unfair, don’t show it like this, it’s damaging to men”. You mean the same damage as you judge women for being too short, too fat, too flat, too old?

Elisabeth Ovesen wrote an excellent study on this subject:

“Men are not accustomed to having their bodies judged or governed. Men’s egos could never withstand the daily assault women face for their sexual and bodily autonomy, much less being told their dicks are small.”

All this, again – CHOICE.

Men have been choosing young, sexy, beautiful for their sexual partners. Why are you sleeping with terrible-looking men? You also can choose to sleep with a young, built, hot, sexy guy with whatever dick size you chose. IT GOES BOTH WAYS.

The only thing we as women truly need to understand, and what I’m trying to do with this series – we have a power of choice. The rigged society keeps us in check with false advertising making us doubt our looks, bodies, age, making us just insecure enough to be happy someone picked us. A woman who understands she has the power of a choice is way too powerful and threatening to the norm.

Every time I talk to my male friends about what I physically like in a guy, they feel so offended. I like his hands to be a certain way, the skin, smell, shapes, or certain muscles, I have a specific type of body I like and when I talk about it, usually the reaction is – “Miranda, come on, you sound like a guy”.

So it’s ok for a guy to sound like a guy, and nit-pick every inch of a woman’s body, but women can’t? We can’t ogle men and look for a specific thing we like? Nah!

But it’s up to you to not fear this and be unapologetic about your choice.

Last summer I was with someone that was 20 years younger than me, and more interesting, smart, inspiring than anyone I know. Had more to say than all 30-40 year old  men I know combined. I learned from him as much as he learned from me. And he made me exceptionally chill. I look for that in a man, usually people annoy me and rile me up. Of course, my friends got on my case about it – “Miranda why would you be with him of all people?” Because I CAN.

One of the things the Sex/Life creator said that I agree with is:

“It’s not what a woman is supposed to want. We’re supposed to wait. To accept. To allow. We are the receivers, after all. But we all want. Some of us take. And the rest of us just dream about taking.”

I’ll leave you with something important. The choice is NEVER between stability and passion. If you never saw both, keep looking. I’ve seen it in one person. I’ve seen it in a few. You shouldn’t let anyone convince you stability and passion don’t go together.

The choice is not in one or another. The CHOICE is in keeping going until you find it. And the type of passion we talked about and the examples I “gave” you from real life; passion, lust, great sex is never loud. You won’t find it in those men who are pumping their biceps in a gym, wear flashy clothes, like to go to Annabel’s in London, take pictures of their cigars, steaks, and whiskey glasses, while on 46 European vacations a year.

Real, passionate, great in bed guys are focused, chill, unassuming, they don’t send you dumb DM’s or comment fires on your stories.

Walk into a room, and the guy who’s modest, demure BUT confident, looks good but is slightly unaware of it – that’s where it is.