I often spend time deconstructing the absurdity of relationships. Yes, sometimes everything aligns for two willing souls to discover each other. Not one pulling, calling, texting, planning; but both equally devoted to the cause of the other. Only, it’s a rare occurrence. We all heard about it, like some myth, there to actually highlight the despair of others. Wanting what doesn’t want you or constantly rebuffing the advances of the ones you don’t want.

How nice is it to want what wants you?

Most people I know pretend they are really happy with their choice of a partner. Was it really a choice? Or a pressing circumstance, the only one presented when the time was running out, and something is better than nothing?

I’ve had people heavily complain to me about their partners, plotting to leave them, only to play house a week later, fronting like this is exactly what they want.

The whole world is full of longing and anxiety toward wanting someone, that doesn’t want you.

A loves B, B loves C, C loves D, and D loves A. Someone older told me this unsolvable equation of human existence when I was really, really young and I didn’t get it. Now we live it or hear about it daily.

It keeps me up at night, pondering why life is designed this way.

It’s not really a discovery, we are more desirable when we don’t care about someone. We’re more relaxed, more ourselves. Being confident is attractive. But when we want something, we instantly change, we want someone, therefore — not relaxed, not our usual selves, rambling, uncool, way too intensely focused on the object of our attention, and that amounts to not being desirable. We’re too wired. Wired is not hot.

We all know this.

We get it.

A million losers are in your inbox, all except that single one you want.

WHY?

I can’t just accept who you don’t like likes you because you are more relaxed around them; the core of it is correct, we all know that, but why are we always attracted to a more difficult version? It’s dopamine running you, it’s not like we can choose who we’re attracted to.

What I hate most about relationship/dating talk is that platitude people like to use when they’re trying to oversimplify heartbreak:

“You only pick what’s bad for you, there is a lesson you still haven’t learned so that’s why the universe keeps bringing that kind of people in your life until you learn that lesson.”

“You only like bad boys, you always pick men that are bad for you.”

“You subconsciously pick problematic men that you need to then fix or save.”

I hate this with a passion. People trying to sound scientific about you being the reason your partner is shit when love is nothing if not circumstantial. Your pick of a partner depends on your circumstances, and not your ability to choose. I mean, if you are of a sound mind, that is.

Who the universe puts in your path is not up to your wish or want, your perfect partner might be living in Hong Kong and you’ll never have a chance to meet him. That’s a circumstance. Don’t let people bang on you telling you you can’t pick right. I’m sure we can all pick well if we all had the perfect line-up in front of us.

But we don’t. We work with what we have.

There’s another level of despair here. You can be so lucky to actually meet someone that fits 100% of what you want in a man. But that’s not enough. Because he might want something entirely different, and while he is all you wanted, you are not what he wants.

We, as women go through our entire lives thinking we gotta find that one guy we want without really thinking those guys grew up wanting something too. And that might not be us. We meet them, we project our wants on them, and when they show us clearly, with words or actions, they don’t want the same thing, we throw a hissy fit and that’s how the heartbreaks come about.

They show us, sometimes tell us with actual words, yet we spend hours with friends analyzing why he this or that, completely ignoring what’s staring us right in the face.

If you have to talk to your friends about this guy, he ain’t the guy.

Back to platitudes.

People telling you you pick shit people on purpose. Subconsciously.

When I enter the room and see 100 people and my body walks towards one specific one, and not others, I at that point have no clue who or what he is. The chemical reaction of my body reacts to his, the whole science of it is pretty widely explained many times over; even if we don’t dive into the analysis, we all know we feel a pull towards someone, and not towards someone else.

When people start breaking down to me about how we pick what’s bad for us, like we’re psychic and all his bad shit lights up above his head like a neon sign, I get annoyed.

We simply can’t know at the split moment of the attraction — if he’s a fuckboy, or an alcoholic or does enormous amounts of drugs, or is incapable, unmotivated, or unstable; we discover those things AFTER we’re already attracted to them.

It’s basically a lottery or a game of cards, and the only thing to do is pulling your cards out AS SOON AS you figure out he is not good for you, instead of trying to make him into what you want him to be.

In this game, what strikes me the most is the juxtaposition of two types of men.

I had an epiphany the other day about it; I saw it for the millionth time in my life, so please leave me a comment with your example if you experienced it too.

But let’s recap the above-mentioned absurdity of relationships first:

1. Wanting what doesn’t want you. Rejecting those you don’t want but want you. “The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person”Chuck Palahniuk

2. Love is a chance meeting. A circumstance. You are not incapable to pick right, you pick the best from what the universe put in your proximity.

3. You don’t need a therapist to figure out why you keep falling for problematic men. You fall for what’s attractive, interesting, what gets your dopamine running. You can only put yourself in more circumstances. Remember, more, not better. While there are millions of women that move to Los Angeles to meet a famous actor, my friend met a very famous actor in a parking lot of a grocery store, loading groceries. They are married today. There is no better circumstance, just more of them. Put yourself out there. Go anywhere. Do everything!

4. The juxtaposition of two men.

The 2 men theory.

You meet a guy you like. Usually, there is another guy there. In form of a friend, brother, acquaintance, or just someone else in his crowd.

When you’re in the phase of flirtation and you want something, the one you like ALWAYS needs to go home earlier. He’s working early or he’s traveling in the morning. But there is a friend there, his friend, or just some guy in the proximity that can stay all night. The one you like doesn’t have a more important job or more responsibility, it’s just the juxtaposition of 2 men around you.

You can’t have what you want right now.

You want him to sit there, he can’t.

You exchanged the numbers with both.

The one you like doesn’t respond as easily as the one you like. The one you don’t like is always there in your inbox with chatter. The one you like is harder on fingers.

The one you don’t like always has that special spare time where he can fit you but the one you like always takes planning and plotting to meet up.

However busy they are, the one you don’t like might even be busier, but there is always that special spare time of hanging out, longing, you know that hot space of nothingness for you to fill out?

“What are we doing?”. He’d so be there if you send him that message. The one you don’t like.

The one you like doesn’t have that space lying around available like that, you gotta work for it. You gotta get there. He’s not doing it on purpose. He wants you too. It’s just more hard, more complex.
The one you like always has somewhere to get to. The one you don’t like is always there. On your hand, on-call.

The juxtaposition of 2 men, always there to paint the absurdity. To show you, in the long run, or short; big plans or just a small moment, day — you rarely get what you want. In the moment, or overall.
And those you don’t want, plenty of them, are always somewhere around you.

Every time I write about the absurdity of love or relationships, I try to finish with anything other than my to-go to Bukowski mantra. You might see it as depressing, I did, for quite some time, but now I find it almost weirdly inspiring:

“Love is a form of prejudice. You love what you need, you love what makes you feel good, you love what is convenient. How can you say you love one person when there are ten thousand people in the world that you would love more if you ever met them? But you’ll never meet them. All right, so we do the best we can. Granted. But we must still realize that love is just the result of a chance encounter. Most people make too much of it. On these grounds a good fuck is not to be entirely scorned. But that’s the result of a chance meeting too. You’re damned right. Drink up. We’ll have another.” — Charles Bukowski

There’s just something so calming in accepting.