Boom, Boom, Ciao.

I wrote my last post in June. It was called - Social Media Fatigue & How to Cure it. And the way to cure it was, that. This. Taking the time. Now, this isn’t social media, sort to speak, but I need to turn on a power button and share something. And in order to share properly, and share in the right sense of vulnerability, I need to step away from time to time.

In this vortex of constantly having to produce the content of our lives for spectators to see, we miss out on living it, and I promised myself a while ago, and to you - I will never be anything less than my authentic self, with my writing. I don’t want to force myself when I’m not feeling the subject, I don’t want to take away from my happiness and take the time to compose something under duress when I’d rather be experiencing things or people.

A friend once told me - “You get us used to something, then you turn off” - and I’m sorry, but - even though it feels like that most of the time, this is not a performance.

I let you come into my life, I show you my vulnerability, the most magical thing on this planet, and the only thing that truly connects us all. The kindest I can be to all of you people that love my writing is to give you real, authentic stuff; and not forced material.

The fact this is my modus operandi is the sole reason you like it. In order for me to be able to do this, I need to close off from time to time, to be able to share. This brain comes with lots of good stuff, but it also comes with lots of maintenance. And it needs to move to a different spot, in order to produce quality material.

Boom, Boom, Ciao.

This is what I heard yesterday, and that was it! No other subjects I prepped for the new season on this site seemed as good for the opener. This was just too brilliant; a concept, a theory, and utter shivers I felt when I heard it.

Don't worry. This is a love story.

Boom, Boom, Ciao - is the episode name of the - I can not believe someone made this and wrote this and it gives me the same orgasms Breaking Bad did - “La Casa De Papel”, or as translated on Netflix as - “Money Heist”. If you still didn’t watch it, just know, it’s better than most of your boyfriends.

Boom, Boom, Ciao is the concept, a dynamic in the relationship between two men that is much simpler, and less stressful than the dynamic between a man and a woman. Two men meet and they relieve each other. Women, ultimately are looking for a man to exchange genes with. To form a family. Men, or rather two men, only have one - ejaculation. Boom, Boom, Ciao.

The speech the character gave froze me:

“In the matters of the heart, there is the lover and the beloved. The lover lives with passion, full commitment and romanticism. The beloved, is limited to being idolized. I’m not saying that being a lover is bad, don’t get me wrong, but you have to know what happens. You suffer. A lot. Beloved is having the better time. Its the law of love, I’m sorry. That’s the way it is. The only truth is what is real.”

Lover. And the beloved.

THE BELOVED IS LIMITED TO BEING IDOLIZED.

Isn’t this the scariest fucking thought? Think about your life. You’ve either been the lover of the beloved. It’s absolutely never equal. Either you loved someone with more intensity, passion, and commitment, or someone loved you that way, where you never quite felt the same way.

I can’t believe I have never thought about this concept.

But I felt it. I lived it. Almost every time. One was the lover and one was the beloved. I was either, or. But never equally the same.

The concept I do think about often is the Chuck Palahniuk mantra - “The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.” And what I experienced in the last few weeks is full-on scientifically scary. Whatever you pursue can not be caught. When you stop pursuing it, it wants to be caught.

What exactly is wrong with us all?

Is someone, up there, pulling our strings?

Do we have any consciousness about this?

Story One.

I have been casually seeing someone for almost 3 years now, but casual can not even begin to describe this concept. The word casual is too formal for this type of casual. But we’re great friends too. We’d see each other only a few times a year. We recently took a trip together. There was something about that trip. By the end of it, I started to think, maybe I want something more. I tried to start a conversation about it, but he wouldn’t pick up on it. After we separated, each on its own coast, I tried to text a bit. Formal responses. ok. Got it. Understood.

Story Two.

Last year I started to hang out with a group of people whose energy exactly matched mine. There was a guy in the group I kinda liked, nothing grandiose, but liked him more than the others in the group. We never tried anything. I never really spent much time alone with him. There was always a group. He had a weird tick that surely meant he likes me too: he would leave in the middle of the night every time we’d start talking more heatedly. Or alone in the corner. He did that so many times I lost count. I tried to open that Pandora’s Box a few times, but he always just avoided talking about it. I left it at that.

Story Three.

Just like these things happen, you go about your business and one day you’re not even sure if you want to go out, you end up doing it because — peer fucking pressure, and then just like that someone walks in, walks up to you, and just shakes your core; you don’t really understand what’s happening, you try to ignore him most of the night but something keeps shifting your core every time he walks by you, and he touches you once to stop you from going left and in that moment you just know this will be one of those people that will maul you.

He insisted we exchange phone numbers and I knew he will somehow, be the end of me. I kept saying this is trouble, I feel trouble, and he just took my phone, put his number in it, and wrote His Name, Trouble, His Last name.

I spent the next two weeks with him, trying to find some flaws, problems, issues so that I can survive this thing somehow, but I guess, this is just it, my time for slaughter. His face was the face I envisioned when I was young when thinking about that man, my man.

Can’t really dwell more on Story three, because I have yet to understand this feeling of pleasure, fear, panic, all taking turns at me; but what happened next is absolutely mindblowing to me.

As this was happening, the week 2 of my spending time with Story Three, Story One flies into town, all amazing, great, receptive, wants to see me, wants to travel, never better, never chiller, simple to talk to, as opposed to when I was trying to talk to him, weeks back.

Now he’s willing. Right now, this exact weekend when I’m trying to not get massacred, when I want to lock myself in the Scottish Castle with a Story Three, throw the key so no one ever finds it, Story One rolls up in town.

Now he’s ready, now he hears me. Now he wants to try.

In the same week, Story Two is also suddenly receptive, answers the message, doesn’t leave in the middle of the night, doesn’t run away from me, texts me all the time, on time, makes plans, talks to me all night, excuse me, who are you? Have we met?

The people you spent years dancing with, in this chess game of pursuer and pursued, literally decided to seek me when I was no longer interested and when I met someone that shook my complete balance.

And the one that shook my balance pulled out his chessboard before I finished breakfast.

Lover and beloved? Pursuer and pursued?

Is this world really designed to give us something we want, only when we no longer want it?

Who made this?

It blows my mind that, on whatever side of evolution you are, God or Big Bang, whoever you think is responsible for creating mankind and womankind; the fact there is the penis shaped exactly to fit into a vagina, think about that for a second, that was created, a perfect puzzle, a Tetris — physically.

But mentally? Who created us like this; lover and beloved, pursuer and pursued, one always suffering, and the other one enjoying, unaware, limited to just being idolized?

I had a craving for the Big Mac the other day, and I happened to be in Times Square with my friend B, so I decided to come in. If you never had McDonald's on Times Square at midnight, with the lights out like it's daylight, with a million people from all over the world, I can not translate to you what kind of assault on every fiber of your being that is.

I was waiting for my Mac and I told my friend about Story One, Two, and Three. I said, why can’t I have things that I want when I want them, B, why? And he said, woman, look around you, no one can. No one ever had. Everywhere.

Is this what we’re in for?

Was the guy from the show right then? Boob, Boom, Ciao, vs. the suffering? Or are we even participating in the Boom, Boom, Ciao hoping that once, just once — we might get aligned with wanting and being wanted?

Welcome to the abyss. Population: everyone.