Helping People: Terms & Conditions

I often think about the act of helping. Me helping people, and others helping me. I sometimes have a conversation about this topic with my friends and their reaction is mostly, well, we should all do our own shit and not need help from anyone.

Naturally.

A [wo]man is an island!

We all should. Or at least very strongly strive to not need anyone. Not needing help from others is a type of freedom, I agree.

But the reality is, people need people.

I can not help but think we are put on this planet to assist one another. I can’t seem to find more pleasure in life than to be someone’s ray of sunshine on an otherwise gloomy, debilitating day.

I finished watching part two of the Netflix documentary on Harry & Meghan tonight and one thing struck me. If you want to know my opinion on the doc, you can read about it here. This piece is not about that.

It’s about one detail from the documentary that stayed with me, more than any information I discovered in it.

Tyler Perry.

I thought about it days after I finished watching.

Tyler Perry, and his role in helping Harry & Meghan escape the unsafe situation they found themselves in, prior to Covid, post leaving the Palace.

Tyler heard about Meghan while she was courted by Harry. Then he saw the headlines turn from exciting to “racist undertones”. Then he read about her father saying things in media no decent parent should ever be saying (or doing) in public. He felt some type of way about it.

In Tyler’s own words:

"I'm not a royal watcher... but I saw something about her father. I found it to be hurtful... When my life changed and success started to come, family members became different people, and I know how hurtful that could be, and how horrible it could be. I immediately empathized with her. This was before the wedding, and I sent her a note, just praying for her just to be able to move through it, and hold on, and let her know that everything in her life had prepared her for this moment, or so I thought.”

Then Meghan said:

"I'd never met him before. He sent me a letter before the wedding, saying he was praying for me, and that if I ever need anything, he would be there. Months and months and months went by, and then one day, when we were in Canada I had called him, finally after years at that point, first time we ever spoke, and I was just a wreck. I was just crying and crying. Like, sometimes, it's easier to just open up to someone who knows nothing at all, and that was that moment with me and Tyler.”

Then he added:

"I could hear the fear. It was palpable. I could hear it. So I asked her what was she afraid of, and she took a deep breath, and she started listing the things that she was afraid of, and I said to her, ‘Every one of your fears are valid’”.

She continues:

”Tyler’s like, 'My house is safe, and I'll make sure you have security, and you take your time. And I was like, 'We only need to stay for like a week, if we could stay for just a week, and then we can find somewhere that we can live.' And he was like, 'You're not going to stay for like a week, you're going to stay for as long as you need, and I'm going to get you there safely, and I'm going to keep you there safely until you have somewhere to go.’"

I developed this subcategory of helping in my mind: helping with terms. People help people. But often times I saw, or experienced - they help with terms included.

Someone will offer you help, but with terms. They will invite you to their home if you need a place to stay but they will make you uncomfortable while there or make you feel like they don’t want you there. Now, is that kind of help actually helping?

Or they will invite you for a certain amount of time, then change their mind halfway through and without asking you, decide themselves how much help is enough help.

Or they will ask you if you have any problems or issues they can help you with, and while not really hearing you properly, offer the type of help they think fits you; not the kind of help you actually need.

People usually need help at certain breaking points in their lives. It doesn’t always have to be the case of someone providing you with a safe space or their house to stay in, like in the case of Tyler and Meghan. Oftentimes, there’s another “smaller” type of help, but you rarely get a complete deal, a whole help, whatever that might require - until you are healed, safe, on the other side of the bad spot you found yourself in life.

And that’s the reason why many never advance or pass their hump; lots of helping is just half-assed. Hey, any help is substantial. I’m in no way or circumstance ungrateful or unreasonable towards anyone letting their hand out for you. Lots of people do what they can.

But also lots of people “help” you just to exercise their power and leverage over you. They help you because they want you to be co-dependent on them, they don’t really hear you or listen to your needs, they conclude what type of help you need so you suit their need to feel charitable and important, when in fact, they want to overpower you.

Those people usually appear in your life when you’re most vulnerable. They leach onto you like hungry hyenas. They come all friendly and sweet, and when you start picking yourself up a bit; when they see or sense you aren’t as vulnerable anymore or you sorted the issues you had to even need help in the first place - they switch on you.

They turn from people that wanted to help you, into people bent to ruin you.

That’s the most extreme case. I’ve experienced it a few times. Always the same type of miserable people that smell the vulnerability and need like beasts; then turn on you.

There’s also a lesser version - people that want to feel good about doing something for you, but they are so superficial in their good intentions, they don’t get the full scope of what you need (or ask you), therefore do not actually make a difference in your life. They want to feel helpful but aren’t that invested. They get your hopes up but don’t have the follow-through.

Send from god are those people who are unconditionally helpful to others. These people are the type of people that make me want to be on this planet. Every time I hear something like that, the world instantly becomes that much more bearable to me.

Helping without any terms. Helping someone until they are fully fixed.

It doesn’t even matter who Harry and Meghan are, people with money and resources; in the scope of their world and what they found themselves in, they needed help.

And Tyler Perry offered them full help, no terms, no subcategories, a full-on help with everything they needed.

He provided a plane, logistics, house, wall to be built for shielding from paparazzi; he provided the whole, complete assistance for these people to get on their feet.

Again, the scope doesn’t matter. Don’t compare here. Someone being rich and needing the things you can only dream about does not undermine the scope of their situation.

It’s different than yours.

I helped so many people in my life. For the sheer fact of not being able to look at suffering of any kind. And helping is only helping when given fully. Tailored for the person needing help, and not what I think they need.

There was always something about that guy, Tyler Perry. Even before this, there was always some quiet, reassuring safety you feel by looking at him, by reading about all the things this guy does, and how many he helped in different ways.

Imagine how much of a difference a person like this can make in anyone’s life, helping you, just one time, one time in your need, fully, all that you need, no terms, no resentments, not trying to leverage you, or doing something for you only to remind you of it and mentally hold you hostage; imagine how much better each life could be to have this kind of person in your life, only just one time?

--

I often think about the act of helping—both me helping others and others helping me. This topic comes up sometimes with friends, and their response tends to be, “We should all do our own thing and not rely on anyone.”

Naturally.

A [wo]man is an island!

Yes, the ability to handle life without needing help feels like a kind of freedom. But realistically, people do need each other. I can’t shake the thought that we’re here to support one another, and for me, there’s no greater joy than being someone’s light on a dark day.

Recently, I finished part two of the Harry & Meghan documentary on Netflix. If you're curious about my take on it, you can read it here. But one detail from the series lingered long after the credits rolled: Tyler Perry. Specifically, how Perry stepped in during a critical moment for Harry and Meghan, offering refuge as they navigated life post-Palace and pre-pandemic.

Perry wasn’t a royal follower, but like many, he noticed a shift in media coverage around Meghan—especially the racist undertones and the troubling public statements from her father. Perry could relate to the emotional toll of family dynamics gone awry. He reached out to Meghan before the wedding, sending a letter of support. They hadn’t met before, but his words of encouragement reached her. And eventually, during a difficult time in Canada, Meghan called him, and Perry responded with empathy and understanding.

Here’s what Perry said:

"I’m not a royal watcher... but I saw something about her father. I found it to be hurtful... When my life changed and success started to come, family members became different people, and I know how hurtful that could be, and how horrible it could be. I immediately empathized with her.”

Meghan recalls:

“I’d never met him before. He sent me a letter before the wedding, saying he was praying for me, and that if I ever needed anything, he would be there. Months and months went by, and then, finally, when we were in Canada, I called him for the first time. I was just a wreck... and it was easier to open up to someone who knew nothing at all.”

Perry could hear the fear in her voice and assured her:

“Every one of your fears is valid.”

What’s remarkable about Perry’s offer was that it came without strings. He provided his home, security, and support—an offer with no fine print, no time limit, no hidden conditions.

Reflecting on Perry’s actions, I’ve come to see “helping with terms” as a category of its own. Often, help comes attached to caveats. Perhaps you’ve experienced this: someone offers you a place to stay but makes you feel unwelcome; or they help with a task but then decide what “help” should look like without asking what you actually need. In times of vulnerability, we seek understanding and comfort, yet true, unconditional assistance is rare.

While any support is generally better than none, some people extend help just to hold power over you. They may even do it to feel charitable or important, but their “help” becomes a tool for manipulation rather than a means of relief. These are the people who swoop in during your most vulnerable moments, only to turn distant or unkind when you regain your footing.

Unconditional, complete support is a rarity—a godsend, really. And it’s the type of help that Tyler Perry provided to Harry and Meghan. He didn’t just offer a space to stay; he provided transportation, logistics, security, and time, allowing them to get back on their feet without pressure or limitations.

Tyler Perry, known for his acts of kindness and compassion, brings a unique presence in the way he helps others. Imagine how transformative a single act of complete, selfless help could be—a kind of support that leaves you feeling seen, safe, and valued without any strings attached.