Two Sides of Love From ‘Tell Me Lies’ and ‘From Scratch’

This week, I watched two tv-shows about love, so the description says - back to back, one after the other. Both are based on bestselling books. Tell Me Lies on Hulu, and From Scratch on Netflix.

I watched Tell Me Lies, first. (Spoilers ahead for both series).

My head is spinning. At least I watched it in the proper order, if I chose otherwise, I might have opted to injure myself.

When I finished Tell Me Lies, I searched for some articles on it. The show left me feeling tired, worn out; like I’ve just ran 15 miles and dragged myself up the stairways.

Is it just me?

I had to see what the critics and the series frontrunner were saying. I had to check my sanity. I came across the article in Forbes Magazine, where writer Dana Feldman introduces us to the topic with this opening paragraph:

“There are few feelings as universal as heartbreak. We’ve all been there, whether it’s unrequited love or the unraveling of a relationship that turned toxic. It’s gut-wrenching, and it changes you.”

Okay.

Then she quotes Meaghan Oppenheimer, the show’s creator, saying:

“It showed this female character behaving in ways we don’t often see. Lucy is doing things that are quite embarrassing. She’s undermining her happiness and allowing herself to be belittled.”

The article continues:

Heartbreak is unavoidable, but for women, in particular, it can be devastating. “Women are set up to believe that being wanted in romantic relationships is tied to our worth. It was important to show young love because we tend to downplay the importance of relationships at that age. In reality, those relationships are as emotionally significant as any relationships we have. They teach us how to love and how to be loved.”

Can I leave now? Unsee it?

The sex scenes between Lucy and Stephen are what the sex should be. I’ll give them that. If you are confused about what’s great sex, it’s that one. Also, no one has sex like that in college. Also, no college guy fucks like that. Also, no college girl is yet comfortable with her body or has the agency to claim her own pleasure.

So excuse me if I don’t see a lesson here. She takes all his crap because the sex is great? The sex at that age can not be this great, or aesthetically pleasing. It’s awkward and unpleasant before it becomes enjoyable. It’s a televised version of giving him the leverage as to why Lucy and the female viewership will tolerate it.

Even like it.

And like him.

God forbid we don’t like someone that fucks great. It’s almost like praying on female viewership, especially the ones with passionless lives. Conning them.

The other parts that are realistic, punched me in the face. It made me have this foul taste in my mouth, watching Bree have actual realistic sex at that age; guys torturing you for their own pleasure, not knowing how a woman’s body even works, thinking this is somehow enjoyable for us.

To be reminded what level of bullshit young women, and women in general, have to endure at the hand of young men, college boys, and fuckboys later in life, was  - unsettling.

A dynamic between men and women, Lucy finding condoms left and right but has to be silent about it if she wants to keep him, Bree having to endure unpleasant, forceful sex from behind in order to have a guy, Macy having to endure a guy telling her he doesn’t want to date only to see him trying to date her roommate; why are we constantly doing this?

The mental Olympics and physical discomfort women have to endure at the hands of guys, at any age, it’s ugly, it’s unnecessary, and why do we feel we have to put up with this?

To have a guy?

By putting up with these guys, all we will come across in life are exactly these types of guys. The universe will give them to you again, and again, and again - up until you decide it’s enough.

Meaghan Oppenheimer, the show’s creator, said:

“Many people feel cornered in this dynamic, and it’s so lonely.”

But why are we cornered? Why do we feel we have to put up with this?

A few days after finishing Tell Me Lies, I started From Scratch, on Netflix. I didn’t read the book the show was based on, in fact, I’ve never heard about the true story behind it. I wasn’t even aware it was a series; I just wanted to clear my head for an hour and a half, with an easy story about destination romance. It’s exactly what I needed, I thought, an Eat, Pray, Love type of movie; everyone loves to make their own version of it.

You probably watched it too by now, and you know what follows. I won’t talk about the plot, if interested, or haven’t watched, you can read about it here.

I know what you’re thinking. How can I compare that kind of love with this kind of love? The plot in From Scratch was at a different time, 20 years ago; today, we have fuckboys and men who don’t respond to your messages.

I can compare it.

And I think you should compare it. In fact, it should be your blueprint of what you don’t want in life and what we should all strive for.

Let’s unpack the time issue here. Amy met Lino in 1995. Different times, no social media, I agree, no doubt. But Lino was from Sicily and if you know anything about Italian men, they could as well be labeled the forerunners of fuckboys around the world. Men from Sicily have had precisely that reputation, long before the phrase was coined. Yet this one, Lino, wasn’t.

Tembi Locke, the writer of this true story and Amy in real life said:

“He inducted me into a love I wasn’t yet ready for.”

A type of love worth not talking to your disapproving parents or moving to a strange cold place people mistake for a city, without a center, called Los Angeles; and struggle in every way possible because your person needs to be there.

You can’t tell me you can’t feel the difference between a guy who won’t text you back two weeks down the line, and someone that is there, willing, and able; we all feel it when we meet that guy. The guy who truly sees us and wants to be there. The guy who just keeps showing up.

But you aren’t meeting that guy?

You aren’t because you don’t want to move on from the ones that won’t text you back; instead, you stay in that space, analyzing day-in-day-out why is he unavailable to you. Maybe he’s busy (c’mon), the work is stressful (love this one), he can’t really talk, and you call your girlfriends who tell you he’s just in a bad spot mentally, it’s not you, he’s absolutely into you, he’s just dealing with some stuff, and convince you to stay there, waiting for the breadcrumb of a time he might spend on you.

I also love when your girlfriends convince you - “He’s so into you but he’s just afraid”!

He’s not.

No man is afraid.

Remember this until the day you die: Men don’t play hard to get.

No great guy that would appreciate you will walk into your life while your head is spinning about a certain fuckboy not texting you. Do you think you would even notice him if he does?

You wouldn’t.

You’re busy on your phone, with your girlfriend analyzing your fuckboy who has a very stressful job and no time to call you, but he’s so into you.

Lift your head up. Look around.

Telling ourselves this is just the time we’re living in, the men are just not what they used to be, we just need to deal with them being this way, and maybe we can overanalyze him for 10-15 hours a day into changing?

You can’t.

My own father was this type of man in the ’60s, ’70s, ’80s, and well into the ’90s. Hell, he was even stirring this sort of trouble for my mother well into his 60s.

“It was a different time” — is what we say to ourselves to feel better about choosing to deal with these low-quality men.

Amy in the show, Tembi in real life was also on a path to spend her time with some fuckboy-ish gallery owner, in 1995, instead of seeing this great guy for what he is and what he wants to offer her. Only his persistence managed to sway her his way. Repeating her own words again: “He inducted me into a love I wasn’t yet ready for”.

Convincing ourselves we don’t have any choices because the quality of men is not what it use to be - it’s a lazy attempt to comfort ourselves. It seems to me we want to find an excuse for staying in that space of complaining about men while tolerating their less-than-dignified behaviors.

There are different men around.

You think there’s no one better than the one you’re into right now because your mouth got hooked on a fishing rod of - “I know he’s ignoring me and not texting me but when we do see each other, sex is great”.

This is going to sound harsh, but you feel it deep down too - men are different when it comes to sex. We don’t find the sex we like that often, for us, lots more come into play, so when we do, we think that equals something special. A connection.

Men are rarely going to have terrible sex. What you think is amazing sex between the two of you, he most likely has that with many other women.

What’s great sex for you isn’t enough for him to want to stay there, if he’s not otherwise into you. You can’t sex his brain into changing his mind.

There are better men for you.

The one ignoring you is better for someone else, just not you.

The most common mistake we make is thinking there’s no one better for us than the guy we’re dealing with at that moment. He’s just exactly what we want or need. I can’t love again! Then the universe steps in, takes them away from us, and we curse at it, not even comprehending it’s doing us a favor. It’s doing for us, what we can’t do for ourselves.

Then the time passes, and you meet someone else, better, more suited for you. And you wonder how you couldn’t foresee it. And this one actually wants to be there. With you. He shows up. And keeps showing up.

This happened to us many times before, yet we can’t seem to learn, and every time someone lame wastes our time, we can’t remind ourselves - someone better will come.

You’ll find the better ones in the most unlikely of places.

And until you do: stop listening to your friends, convincing you into something your body knows better. You already know this:

Men asking you to hang out at 2 am is not a connection. Just great sex is not a connection. Liking your Instagram story is not a connection. Calling an Uber for you at 5 am is not a connection. Inviting you to a party with other people is not a connection.

Real connection, dignity in behavior, respect in treating you, showing up, being there  - your body knows how to recognize it.

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I don’t know about you, but I’m so tired of seeing, even on screen, the type of human connections where you have to scheme, suffer, cheat, and analyze your way into being with someone. Being silent when you want to scream, not tell him something that bothers you - not to provoke him into leaving, suppress your whole entire being just to have some guy?

We’re almost in 2023, isn’t it time we stop enduring men and instead — find the ones we can enjoy?